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Monday, June 5, 2023

Arizona GOP: Maricopa Audit Revealed Unicorn Pubes and Sasquatch Urine Used to Tamper With Ballots

The audit of Arizona’s 2020 election, conducted by a right-wing financed company, has turned up explosive new evidence, according to people close to the situation. Speaking on the condition of anonymity and Chick-Fil-A gift cards, we were told, exclusively, that Cyber Ninjas uncovered a plot to defraud the presidential election results in Arizona using the pubic hairs of unicorns and the urine of Bigfoot, known also as Sasquatch.

While many independent observers have been skeptical about the Arizona audit from its beginning, and Maricopa County announced this week that would not be using any of the machines used in the audit, costing taxpayers millions of dollars to replace them, the MAGA faithful have been much more optimistic.


“We’ve been telling people all along to watch out. To pay attention. To take some drugs and tune into Fox News, or better yet OAN or NewsMax,” our source told us. “Because we were gonna bring the receipts, or at the very leas fabricate some. I was always confident we’d find the evidence we needed, but when I was told the scheme involved unicorn pubes and Sasquatch piss? Well, it made a lot of sense all of a sudden why it’s been so hard to find the evidence up until this point.”

Cyber Ninjas also announced this week that they have finished photographing and scanning the ballots they audited. Our source tells us that the photographs of the ballots also contain “key evidence” that expose the conspiracy. Using special technology, we’re told Cyber Ninjas could see ghosts in the pictures, changing votes.

“When we run the pictures through a spectral analyzer we bought from a Ghostbusters fan made prop website,” our source announced, “we can clearly see the ghost of Saul Alinsky changing ballots! This is a conspiracy that goes beyond the grave!”

The next steps Cyber Ninja takes haven’t been completely mapped out or planned, our source told us. There’s internal debate about whether former President Donald Trump will simply order all the participants in the plot executed for treason, once he’s reinstated to his throne on August 33rd, or whether they need to “call in the big guns” and speak to Trump’s former boss first.

“President Putin knows a thing or two about rigged elections, and he certainly helped guide our country through the last four years well enough,” our source said. “We’re honestly not sure what to do with this explosive information, but we’ll make sure it spreads on 8kun and Bongino’s website, using that wormy fuckface writer and fact checker guy he works with. Matt Palumbo. He’s a piece of shit, but at least he’s OUR piece of shit.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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