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Monday, June 5, 2023

Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert Form ‘Congressional Guano Caucus’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Two new freshman congresswomen have teamed up to form their own caucus, and it’s already attracting some attention from congressional leadership.

“Today, we smoke this crack and announce proudly that we have formed the Congressional Guano Caucus,” Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, “and it welcomes everyone who knows the real, unfettered truth about American life. If you understand that QAnon is real and climate change is a hoax, you belong in the Guano Caucus. If you believe that Donald Trump is a successful businessman who was handpicked by God himself to break up the Democratic pedophile cabal run by Satan, then you 100% belong in the Guano Caucus.”

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Both Boebert and Greene made headlines by running campaigns that fully and completely embraced the MAGA way of life. Boebert did ads with her Glock — which she’s trying to get capitol police to acquiesce to carrying within the Rotunda — and Greene helped promulgate the Q-Anon conspiracy theory. Both women voted against impeaching President Donald Trump for inciting a violent mob to attack the capitol last week, and both spent the weeks after their elections casting doubt on the presidential results.

“Yeah, totally Marjorie! Like, um, first, I just wanna say glory to God and shit,” Boebert said, “and now, let me tell you all in great detail why Democrats are actual, literal demon zombies trying to make us all die from socialism. It’s all laid out very clearly on the bathroom wall at the truck stop where I was conceived when that stray coyote fucked a confederate flag in a heap on the floor. The point is, Trump is your president now, then, and forever, libtards!”

Boebert explained why the pair chose “Guano” for their caucus name.

“Because you can’t spell guano with G-U-N, fuckin’ duh, stupid,” Boebert laughed as she also farted, more crack smoke coming out of her flat ass.

During the press conference, each congresswoman took turns taking large rips from a glass pipe. Each time they did so, the next statement they’d make to the press would get just a little more unhinged. By the time they’d smoked all the crack they had with them, things had gotten quite wild, indeed.

“And another thing, why come the Democraps — HA HA I JUST MADE THAT ORIGINAL AND FUNNY AS FUCK JOKE UP — get to impeach our Dear President twice,” Boebert said, crack smoke billowing from her lips, “and we didn’t get to impeach Obama for being a Muslin terrorist sent by George Soros to scrub In God We Trust off our coins and steal our guns? Huh? TELL ME THAT, SOCIALIST LIBTARD MEDIA FUCKS!”

Greene and Boebert’s seats will be up for re-election next year.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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