WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump cannot be all that thrilled about his niece Mary’s new book. In the tell-all, Ms. Trump goes into great, oftentimes embarrassing, detail about the Trump family, painting a picture of a man who was turned into an unaccountable, spoiled monster, unfit for any elected office.
Mary Trump’s book is full of anecdotes and stories that make Trump out to be buffoonish, churlish, and certainly racist. The White House and Trump’s personal legal team tried in vain to get the book’s publication halted. However, as much as the president must surely loathe it, his re-election campaign raised quite a few eyebrows when they publicized the fact that they had bought up thousands and thousands of copies of the book, in turn driving up the sales on a book that has already rocketed to the top of sales charts nationwide.
Now, it would appear the reason for the Trump 2020 campaign’s bulk book buy has come to light.
“We had this idea, right? And some are calling it the truly bestest idea that literally anyone has had, ever,” Trump explained to the press pool as he walked from the Oval Office to the pantry for some Double-Stuffed Oreo cookies and a glass of milk. “I was watching the History Channel the other night because I thought they might replay my historic inauguration since it’s the most important event in history. They didn’t though, and we’re having Attorney General Barr look into whether they should or even could be forced to play it.”
Trump paused for a moment, dunking a cookie into the milk. He spoke again as he put the cookie in his mouth. As he talked, the president spat thousands of crumbs and some spittle into the faces of the reporters who were all wearing face masks to prevent the spread of COVID-19. The president was not wearing a mask.
“Anywhore, what they did show was this really big rally that some dude in the black and white times held,” Trump said. “Lots of people were there! He got up and shouted a bunch of white supremacist stuff, and whipped them into a frenzy! It was in a stadium! How this guy went forward in time and stole my MAGA rallies idea for his own is beyond me, but he sure did it.”
The president halted again as this time he took four Oreos, two in each hand, and started dunking them, alternating between his hands, as he did.
“Man, these cookies are so big, I have to use two of my GIANT hands to eat them,” Trump observed. “At any rate, at this black and white mustachioed guy’s rally, he had these giant bonfires! And they’d all burn books he didn’t want them to read! That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks!”
Trump has decided to buy thousands of copies of his niece’s book, distribute them at his rallies, and then ask those in attendance to burn the books, right there in the stadium.
“The fires will be so warm,” Trump mused, “and I bet we don’t have to do much to get the bonfire ready, because a lot of those very fine people will be have their own tiki torches we can use to light that nasty mean relative of mine’s books up!”
Mary Trump’s reps could not be reached for comment.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.