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Tuesday, October 3, 2023

Mary Trump’s Book Claims Her Uncle Paid Someone Else to Take STD Tests for Him

Yesterday, a judge cleared the way for Mary Trump — niece of President Donald J. Trump — to promote her new tell-all book about her uncle.

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When news of the book broke, lawyers for the president filed a request for a gag order while the book could be reviewed. That request was granted, and for weeks the president’s niece was sidelined from TV, radio, and social media appearances promoting her tell-all. That changed yesterday when a judge gave the approval for her to begin promotion of the book.

Ms. Trump’s attorney hailed the judge’s decision.

“The court got it right in rejecting the Trump family’s effort to squelch Mary Trump’s core political speech on important issues of public concern,” said Ted Boutrous, the renowned attorney who represented Mary Trump and who has also represented CNN in the past. (Mercury Sun News)

The book, which rocketed to the top of the Amazon bestseller charts once it was announced and some preliminary details were released, has been repeatedly assailed by the president and his surrogates. Trump and his allies have attempted to paint Mary Trump as someone who has a personal vendetta against him, and that her book cannot be trusted.

“If anyone knows what a completely fabricated, bullshit story looks like, it’s this president. In fact, you might argue he’s the country’s, if not the world’s, foremost leading expert on the subject of bullshit,” Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters on the White House lawn this morning. “So, if his bullshit detector is going off, you know he knows what he’s talking about. Also, bullshit detectors are, like, totally real things and you can get one if you donate a thousand dollars to the Trump 2020 campaign.”

It’s not exactly a well-kept secret that the president is a man who values his image and reputation. He’s a man who gives adult film actresses and other women he sleeps with tens of thousands of dollars to lie about their sexual interactions. For years, Trump has been known as someone willing to threaten a lawsuit to stifle or silence anyone who might have damaging information on him. Some might recall that when Ambassador John Bolton wrote a book about his time in the Trump administration, he faced similar attacks and threats of legal action by the president to stop him.

“Nobody has a right to tell the truth about a president without the president’s permission,” Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Servile Toady Town) said on a conservative talk radio show last week. “Mary Trump is no exception to that rule. It might seem like the First Amendment is a thing that would protect her, but a president’s ego is entitled to protection, and necessarily has to take precedence over his niece’s constitutional rights. It’s just common sense.”

While some of the details from her book have already been released, much to the chagrin of the president, Ms. Trump’s very first interview she gave while promoting it contained shocking new allegations that are sure to bring about quite the tantrum over on Pennsylvania Avenue.

“Everyone knows my uncle isn’t great at taking tests. They really freak him out, especially if he feels he might fail them,” Mary told Tuck Chodd on NBC today, “which usually means he freaks out about every test. Which is why he pays people to take all his tests for him.”

Chodd asked her to repeat herself.

“That’s right, he doesn’t take a single test himself. Not a driving test. Not his SAT tests. He doesn’t take any tests,” Mary insisted. “He doesn’t even take his own STD tests! One of the porn stars he was banging while Wife Three was pregnant demanded he take an STD test, and Uncle Donny hired some kid to go and take the test for him.”

The situation already seemed rife for becoming a full-blown family drama before the president’s First Lady got involved. Once Ivanka Trump waded into the fray, however, she tried to throw cold water on the claim Mary made about Donald’s STD tests. In a series of tweets, Ivanka lambasted the story as “prolly false” and “pretty much not true.”

“Umm, excuse me the fuck? No way President Daddy pays people to take STD tests (EWWW-UH!) for him,” Ivanka tweeted. “He doesn’t need to take STD tests because everyone he sleeps with he trusts to be clean. The fact is, I just took an STD test at his request four days ago and came back clean. If I’m clean, he should be too, right? RIGHT?!”

Mary Trump’s book, Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Mancan be purchased from book retailers everywhere.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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