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Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Matt Gaetz Blames Antifa for His Inability to Show Up To Work Sober

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A visually intoxicated Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Trump’s Taint) told reporters today that he “mostly blames Antifa” for the attack carried out by a pro-Trump yesterday as Congress met to confirm Joe Biden’s victory in last November’s election. He also, however, blamed Antifa for something else.

“Looooook you sonsabitches,” slurred Gaetz, “Antifa’s the ones to blame for the violent mob that the president riled up right before he encouraged them to march on our capital. But, but, but, hey! HEY! I AM TALKING HERE! They are also the reason why I can’t seem to come to work sober.”

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Gaetz claimed, without offering any evidence, that Antifa, Inc. built a bar right across the street from his D.C.-area luxury apartment he uses taxpayer money to afford.

“And they did it knowing that there is no way for me to pass up a bar without going in and having a couple dozen drinks,” Gaetz said. “They did it on purpose! They are foul, evel, tempters and they needdd to be, fucccckkiinnn’ hel’ d’accout-na-ball for what they did to me!”

Rep. Gaetz hasn’t come to work sober “a single fuckin’ time,” he said, since taking office a few years ago. He admits that the bar he claims Antifa built across from his home to force him to get drunk every morning wasn’t there when he arrived in the nation’s capital.

“Sure, I would just get drunk in my living room before catching an Uber to work or whatever,” Gaetz explained, “and then I’d keep drinking in the car ride over the to the Rotunda, but that’s not the point! The point is George Soros and Barack Obama hired Antifa, Inc. and built a bar in front of my home!”

Antifa, Inc. couldn’t be reached for a comment because they’re not a real organization as it turns out.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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