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Monday, June 5, 2023

Matt Gaetz Blew a .28 on Breathalyzer Right Before Bringing Up Hunter Biden Driving Under the Influence

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the House Judiciary Committee debated the two articles of impeachment they intend to put to the full House of Representatives.

The hearing was, as expected, a showcase for political theater. One of the committee’s members most willing to participate in such theatrics, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Trump’s Rectum), raised an amendment to the second article that sought to impugn Hunter Biden, son of former Vice President Joe Biden. In order to bolster his amendment, Gaetz read into the record a detailed news account of a car accident the younger Biden was involved in where it was highly suspected he was driving under the influence, and a crack pipe was found in his car after the accident.

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Hunter Biden’s struggles with substance abuse are nothing new. Biden himself has been remarkable candid about them. Mr. Gaetz seemed to imply that Mr. Biden’s potential DUI was somehow part of the reason for President Trump demanding that Ukraine dig up dirt on Hunter and his father Joe. 

Now, word has come out of the hearing that as part of an agreement allowing Gaetz to serve on the House Judiciary Committee, Rep. Gaetz has agreed to submit to a breathalyzer test, something he didn’t do when he was arrested on suspicion of DUI in 2008. According to several sources close to the situation, Gaetz blew a .28 — multiple times the legal limit to drive in most states — shortly before attacking Hunter Biden’s character over allegations of substance abuse while driving.

“What’s really fascinating to me is that Gaetz didn’t just blow a .28 on the breathalyzer,” one congressional source told us, “he blew a 1,000 on the hypocraticdouchebagalyzer. That’s a device that was invented back in 1992 by Professor John I.Q. Nerdelbaum Frink Jr. It tests the amount of pure, douchebag hypocrisy in one’s bloodstream. The country really owes a debt of gratitude to Professor Frink for that invention. It really comes in handy on days like today.”

It didn’t take long for Mr. Gaetz to be served a slice of humble pie by another member of the judiciary committee. Congressman Hank Johnson took a subtle but forceful jab at Gaetz. Rep. Johnson said that while he couldn’t be sure if anyone on the committee was ever busted for a DUI themselves, he didn’t think “the pot calling the kettle black” was the kind of argument that should be made during an impeachment proceeding. It was 

Watch Mr. Johnson’s admonishment of Congressman Gaetz, below:

Later in the afternoon, Congressman Gaetz admitted that he’d “had a couple belts” before he offered his amendment. He then asked if the reporter who questioned him about it wanted to “fight about it.” 

“Hey, hey, hey. You know what? You know what? HEY! You know what,” Gaetz slurred and yelled, “yeah, so I had a couple belts this morning. Who doesn’t drink a quart of bourbon and a six pack of cheap domestic beer – MAGA! – before ten in the morning? I’ll tell you who doesn’t — libtarded cucks. UnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnAmerican libtardedcucks, and guess what? I don’t care. I don’t. I don’tcareatall. Do you want to fight about it?”

Congressman Gaetz was seen passed out on the steps of the capitol building at the time of publication, snoring loudly, his pants around his ankles.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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