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Monday, June 5, 2023

Matt Gaetz Cited for SCCTUI: Spewing Congressional Conspiracy Theories Under the Influence

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressman Matt Gaetz (R-FL) is already no stranger to being charged with doing things while intoxicated. 

In 2008, Gaetz was accused of driving while under the influence of alcohol in his home state of Florida. The circumstances surrounding Gaetz’ arrest and eventual dismissal of charges are still quite in dispute, even to this day. Gaetz has accused the arresting officer of harassment, but Gaetz never submitted to a breathalyzer test. 

He didn’t have his license suspended for a year when he refused the breath test — as Florida law dictates. And he didn’t have that refusal used against him in a criminal proceeding. Charges against Gaetz were dismissed after events that included, among other things, the forced resignation of the arresting officer. (Tampa Bay Times)

Today, Mr. Gaetz has once more run afoul of authorities. And once more, Rep. Gaetz is being charged with being drunk while attempting to do something he should be sober for. Capitol police issued him a citation for Spewing Congressional Conspiracy Theories While Intoxicated, better known on the Hill as an “SCCTUI” offense. Sources say the authorities were tipped to Gaetz’ possibly being intoxicated for today’s House Judiciary Committee hearing.

The committee was meeting to vote on a resolution to hold Attorney General William Barr in Contempt of Congress for not responding to a subpoena for the full, unredacted Mueller Report. Barr has indicated that he will not do so, and the DOJ asked the Trump administration to put the report under executive privilege, essentially attempting to shield it from Congress. The White House complied with that request this morning.

Gaetz, like several of his other fellow Republicans on the Judiciary Committee, spent much of their time attacking Democrats, and implying that they were only trying to smear Barr because he was going to investigate the origins of the Russian interference investigation. Some Republicans have taken up Barr’s language from a Senate hearing last week, and accused the Obama administration of unlawful spying, while FBI Director Christopher Wray has flatly denied seeing any evidence of Barr’s accusations.

“Rep. Gaetz spent a lot of time doing nothing more than bloviating and pontificating with opinions that he wanted people to think of facts,” one capitol cop told us. “That immediately aroused our suspicions that he might be drunk.”

Unlike when he was pulled over for allegedly driving drunk, however, Rep. Gaetz acquiesced to a breath test. It turns out Gaetz’ blood was over the legal limit, but not for alcohol. For bullshit.

“As it turns out, after testing his breath, he was just drunk on Trump’s man juice and Republican Kool-Aid, which isn’t against any congressional bylaws,” our source told us. “It’s just purely partisan political hackery beneath the office of he’s in, except he’s a Republican so that’s just sort of how they do things.”

Mr. Gaetz could not be reached for comment because he was already at the bar for Happy Hour.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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