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Sunday, March 26, 2023

Matt Gaetz and Roy Moore Are Opening a Grooming Business That Won’t Cater to Pets

Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) is teaming up with former Alabama Supreme Court Justice and failed Republican Senate Candidate Roy Moore to open a new business in Gaetz’ home state. The business will be a salon that caters to what a press release announcing its formation calls “young, fresh, and crisp ladies looking to get groomed.”

The Fancy Q-Salon will open sometime in the fall, and is starting to book appointments now.

According to sources with knowledge of the deal, Moore and Gaetz have known each otehr for quite sometime. They run in the same circles as Republican politicians, so that might not surprise many Americans. However, according to this morning’s press release, it was more than just politics that brought Moore and Gaetz together.

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“Matt and Roy are excited to bring synergy and a mutual love and adoration for young women to work with them every single day. The simple truth is that we love little girls. They make us feel so good. They don’t care if we’re a one-way mirror, they don’t care about our cold exteriors. They don’t even ask questions, and they don’t look for answers.”

Unlike most hairdressers, The Fancy Q-Salon will not employ a stable of stylists. Rather, Moore and Gaetz will be the only ones doing the grooming.

“You might be wondering when Roy and Matt had time to become certified, trained hair stylists. Well, they didn’t! But, have no fear! They were already experts at it! In fact, when the world thinks of Republican Groomers, the first two names that come to mind are Matt Gaetz and Roy Moore!”

In order to qualify for a Florida business license, Gaetz and Moore had to agree to abide by the state’s “Don’t Say Gay” law. Accordingly, any discussions of sex or sexual identity will not be allowed in their salon. Instead, clients who wish to discuss such matters will be given two choices.

“As good, clean, ammo hoarding, God fearing American patriots, we will run The Fancy Q-Salon in accordance to all local laws. If any of our wonderful clients wishes to speak to one of our two top stylists about subjects that might lead to discussions that revolve around sex or sexual identity, they can either hop in one of the windowless white vans in our fleet, drive across state lines, and have that discussion, or they can walk next door to the Southern Baptist church and attend a Sunday School session.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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