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Thursday, August 18, 2022

Matt Gaetz Won’t Be Subway’s New Spokesperson After All

MILFORD, CONNECTICUT — As of just three weeks ago, Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) was riding pretty high. He was one of the American right’s most famous and outspoken politicians, was reportedly well-connected to the former president who still hold so much sway in the party, and he had just inked a new deal to the the celebrity spokesperson for the Subway sandwich chain.

Now, though, all of that seems to be crashing down around him after allegations of sex trafficking and other crimes have surfaced. One of the first dominoes to fall was the announcement of the FBI investigation into his activities, then came news that the House Ethics Committee is investigating him. Then, just this morning Doctor’s Associates, Inc. — Subway’s parent company — announced that they were canceling their contract with Gaetz.

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“Oops! We did it again, didn’t we? Well, at least this time we’re fixing our mistake a little quicker,” the announcement from Doctor’s Associates read. “As of this moment, Congressman Matt Gaetz and Subway are no longer in a business relationship, so he can stop calling, sending us dick pics, and paying us via Venmo and PayPal for ‘school’ and the like. Our bad, everyone. Our bad.”

Gaetz was reportedly quite hurt by the development. Sources say he’s been consoling himself with a 16 year old…bottle of scotch. Friends and relatives are saying he’s hardly touching the cocaine he got from Donald Trump Jr. as a congratulatory gift when he signed the deal with Subway. Rep. Gaetz has issued his own statement in response to being let go by Subway.

“Of course I am terribly upset, and I am beyond angry that once again the cancel culture mob has put a target on my back,” Gaetz’ statement says. “Apparently, we now live in a world with consequences for our actions. When we all die of socialism, don’t blame me, fam.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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