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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

McCarthy Vows to Punish Gosar by Moving His Office Next to AOC and Giving Him a Key to Her Door

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican Congressman and Indiana Jones Bad Guy Paul Gosar of Arizona is no stranger to controversy.

Ever the bomb throwing, white nationalist archconservative, Gosar has embraced nakedly racist tropes and publicly sided with violent, right-wing extremists in the past. In September, Gosar defended those who attacked the capitol on January 6th. Gosar told Nazi Scumfucks Weekly the events of that day were “just a little Neoconfederate Boston Tea Party.”

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“Without all the libtarded Boston bullshit, you see? The way I see it, the Second Amendment protects our right to protect ourselves from the tyranny of counting legally cast ballots,” Gosar told the Murdoch-owned magazine.

“So those proud, brave, patriotic, IQ-point deficient rubes, simpletons, and HEROES deserve our thanks, not our prosecution.”

This week, he made waves again by tweeting a video Gosar seemed to indicate was created by someone on his staff, who would be paid, ultimately, by the taxpayers. The clip featured the congressman’s head crudely pasted into scenes from the anime film Attack on Titan. The climax of Gosar’s video is his character violently killing Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and President Joe Biden.

When asked about the video, GOP Minority Leader Kevin McQarthy (CA) stopped short of condemning the video’s context, or content. However, McCarthy still indicated he found the incident “outrageous.”

“I think it’s outrageous. It’s outrageous that he’d go through all the trouble of threatening her, and not carry it out. We are Republicans. We don’t quit,” McCarthy explained this morning.

“Even when the votes are cast, counted, and we lost, we don’t quit. Even when we’re storming the capitol, we don’t quit. Even when we get shot in the chest while we’re trying to break into the rotunda…well, okay, then we quit. BUT ONLY THEN.”

McCarthy signaled that, despite public speculation, he would be punishing Gosar.

“Clearly Paul has to be punished, and his punishment must send a very clear message to the rest of our party,” McCarthy said.

“That’s why his punishment is going to be the following: I will move his congressional office to the one right next door to Rep. Ocasio-Cortez’s office. I will also be giving Paul a key to AOC’s door, and I’ll be asking IT to provide us with her username and password. If there’s time, I plan to punish Paul by having him get ahold of AOC’s bank statements, and maybe even figure out how to get into her apartment. You know, as punishment…wink wink.”

Leader McCarthy stopped short, thinking a moment.

“Shit, I said the ‘wink wink’ part out loud again, didn’t I? DAMN IT.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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