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Thursday, June 1, 2023

McConnell Calls For ‘Socialist, Libtard Cucks Who Elected Blacky McDemocrat’ to Unify Behind Trump’s War With Iran

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell took to the Senate floor yesterday and blasted Democrats not vocally supporting the drone strike killing of a top Iranian general. 

President Donald Trump shocked the world last week when he ordered Iranian Major General Qassem Suleimani executed via drone strike, while he was in the country of Iraq. Long considered a dangerous nuisance and even a terrorist by presidential administrations of both political parties, none had seen enough potential upside in killing him when balanced against the blowback and international uproar from such a move. However, Mr. Trump’s administration calculated that no matter the consequences afterward, killing General Suleimani was the right thing to do. 

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The criticisms that Democrats and even many unelected Republicans have had for the drone strike revolve mostly not around the person targeted, but rather the timing of the mission. Some have openly questioned whether Trump’s decision was an attempt to “wag the dog” and distract the American people from his ongoing impeachment fight in Congress. Others have pointed to some seemingly ironic hypocrisy in Trump potentially starting a war with Iran after insisting for years that President Barack Obama would try to do so in order to bolster his political career.

Regardless of any of that, McConnell gave a speech in the Senate yesterday, demanding that Democrats provide a “shred of national unity for five minutes before deepening the partisan trenches.” A portion of McConnell’s speech is seen in the tweet from ABC News, below.

This morning, Leader McConnell gave an interview to two male automatons and a household vacuum cleaner in a blonde wig on Fox & Friends. During his appearance, McConnell doubled-down on his critiques of Democrats who he said are “shredding this country’s soul with their hyper-partisanship.” McConnell excoriated both elected and rank and file Democrats for what he said are their “total and complete disrespectful attitudes, tones, thoughts, and statements” about President Trump.

“Let me tell you something, Brian,” McConnell said at one point, “It’s time for the socialist, libtard cucks who elected Blacky McDemocrat to stop being so divisive. That of course is why I made turning that secret Kenyan, Sharia loving, gun grabbing, welfare nanny state enforcing jerkmouth a one term president my top political priority back in 2009. That is why I breathlessly and unblinkingly used the filibuster to block every single proposal made by the Obama administration for the entirety of his two terms. He was clearly a divider, and nothing like the healer and beacon of teamwork, comity, and unity that our Dear President is.”

McConnell insisted that he’d “never have been so rude, disrespectful, and downright unpatriotic” to any president, no matter how many rules he made up to steal a Supreme Court pick from. It was unclear at the time, but it seemed to some like McConnell might have been fighting back tears of anger and rage as he spoke.

“When I stole the Supreme Court seat, I had every right to do that. Old, rich, white men stealing stuff from black men is what this country is built on,” McConnell said. “From jazz to rock and roll to fashion, if we white folk see blacks doing something we want to do, we take it away from them and pretend we had a right to it all along! But what they’re doing to this good, clean, imperious overlord president of ours? I frankly won’t stand for it.”

Leader McConnell warned that “Democrats are playing with fire” by passing articles of impeachment against President Trump.

“They’re trying to hold him accountable for some crazy reason,” McConnell explained. “As if this man wasn’t elected by a minority of a minority of citizens, with the help of our top foreign adversary! As if the Electoral College doesn’t give him the right to do and say whatever he wants! As if this president isn’t law-adjacent. See, that’s the thing. I don’t believe any president is above the law. But if he’s white, and right, and Republican? Well, that guy is certainly in a place where the law doesn’t apply to him. Democrats better check themselves, before they wreck themselves, is all I’m trying to say.”

Before ending the segment, McConnell reiterated that “everyone is required by law” to support Trump’s war with Iran, and that now is the time to come together.

“Yes, commie pinko Democrats, that means even you,” McConnell angrily said, jabbing his finger at the camera, “you have to line up behind this great man, and march in lockstep with his bone-spurred feet. Why? Because that’s what freedom means — supporting every boneheaded war of choice a white collar criminal starts to distract his slack-jawed base from his myriad of crimes. It’s time to unify with us, you godless, amoral, un-American socialist libtard Democrats!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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