WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) asserted as clearly and plainly as he could this morning that he doesn’t think it’s wise or prudent for Senate Democrats to be holding a second impeachment trial for the previous president, now that the Dems have officially taken control.

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. There is a very narrow, five to eight minute window that you can impeach a Republican president in,” McConnell told reporters during a press conference today. “It’s plain as day, right there in the Constitution, when I squint hard enough and rub my balls with this piece of fine Kentucky coal long enough.”

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McConnell’s view is that while the Democrats “have a point” about the former president inciting a deadly insurrection against the capitol on January 6th, they “took too long and also were too hasty” in trying to hold him accountable.

“Again, I will remind you all that the Constitution doesn’t contain the phrase ‘hold the president accountable,'” McConnell explained, “but really that isn’t the whole point. The point is that the man who used to be president was also a former D-list reality TV game show host. I know this might be hard for my friends on the other side of the aisle to see, but that right there means they straight up cannot impeach him.”

Though he could not and would not cite anything specific in any part of the U.S. Constitution or code of laws that prohibits it, McConnell said that impeaching a reality-TV game show host was nixed by way of an agreement made between the parties decades ago.

“It was a handshake deal made between the two parties. Quite prescient, given that television, game shows, and reality-TV weren’t invented yet,” McConnell claimed. “But that’s exactly what happened. And if there’s anything the American people know, it’s that Ol’ Cocaine Mitch would never lie to you, would he, folks?”

McConnell looked right into the camera, smiled a tight-lipped grin, and snapped his fingers, disappearing in a puff of coal dust and farts, because he’s so old he has very little control over them.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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