McConnell Assures Public He’ll Secure 2020 Election Just as Soon as Putin Says He Can

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, perhaps feeling public pressure after leading the effort to block two legislative attempts to secure next year’s election, told reporters this afternoon that the American public has “nothing to worry about.”

“Now, look, I think there’s been a lot of polarizing political rhetoric from the Democrats, and it’s time for everyone to take a big deep breath,” McConnell told reporters. “Because I have every intention of securing our elections, just as soon as the president says I can.”

That answer didn’t soothe the reporters’ fears, however.

“So you’re saying that once Trump says you can, you’ll take steps to secure our election? Aren’t you a coequal branch of government,” a reporter asked, “Why do you need his permission.”

Senator McConnell took his flaccid organ he calls his genitals out of the lump of coal he was in the middle of an act of coitus with, and responded to the reporter’s question with a laugh.

“Silly human, I’m not talking about President Trump,” McConnell explained. “I’m talking about President Putin. Just as soon as his check clears, and he gives me permission, I will back any measure the Kremlin asks me to.”

Majority Leader McConnell explained that it’s “only fair that whoever picked the last president” gets a say in how the next election is run.

“Now, Putin won our last election fair and square, or at least that’s what Bill Barr told me is in the Mueller Report, and I damn sure am not going to read that fully exonerating witch hunt to find out for myself,” McConnell said emphatically. “So I’m just trying to be fair to all interested parties, that’s all.”

Senator McConnell explained a little further.

“Do you make process changes where you work with your supervisor’s permission? Well, now you see the pickle I’m in,” McConnell said.

McConnell told a somewhat stunned press pool he’s “tired of hiding it” and it’s “much easier to spend Rubles openly” than in secret.

“What? Fuck it, guys. I mean, seriously, fuck it. Robert Mueller wrote a tome about the multiple crimes committed by the president and it doesn’t mean anything,” McConnell explained. “Even Nancy Pelosi is sitting on her hands right now as the whole charade falls apart. So why should I hide who my real allegiances are to?”

Senator McConnell slipped his decrepit phallus back into the lump of coal and started pumping his hips as he talked.

“See…now…I could go on pretending that I’m not a self-serving miscreant who has pissed all over the Constitution whenever I have wanted to win a political fight,” McConnell said, thrusting and humping the coal as hard as he could. “But I’m an old, tired misanthrope, fam. I just wanna retire to my pasture somewhere, having cynically stolen a Supreme Court pick from Blackface McDemocrat and successfully kept the working class from tilting the economy back in their favor.”

He was really into it now, and McConnell just kept on going.

“It’s really not…fair…to…OOOOH BOY…Vladimir to not let him have his say this time,” McConnell said. “Democrats are always saying one person, one vote, well Vlad Putin is one person, so doesn’t that mean he gets his one vote too?”

Leader McConnell batted away concerns that he’s giving Russia a chance to damage the integrity of America’s elections.

“Umm, Donald Trump is president. The word integrity is no longer relevant or necessary, clearly,” McConnell said, pulling out and spraying his disgusting turtle load — that smells like greed, shame, and treason — all over the poor lump of coal he was sexing up. “No one needs election integrity when the person you’re going to elect has none of it himself. Next you’ll tell me I need to secure the election from white collar crooks with daughter lust. Give it a rest, libs.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi vowed to remain angry and upset but noncommittal about doing anything, when reached for comment.

Another Story: Fake President Gives Speech Behind Real Presidential Seal


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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