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Thursday, June 1, 2023

McConnell Promises to Hold Impeachment Trial in Moscow

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said today that “in the interest of fairness and logic” he’s going to file a change of venue request and hold the impeachment trial of President Donald J. Trump in Moscow, Russia.

In a marathon session of the House of Representatives, two articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump were passed largely along party lines. Democrat Tulsi Gabbard voted “present,” citing a sudden loss of spinal fluid. Congressman Jeff Van Drew of New Jersey voted against the articles as a Democrat, but just two days later was in the Oval Office celebrating the fact that he was changing his affiliation to Republican. For the most part, Democrats voted to impeach, and Republicans voted against impeachment.

Collins: “Unlike Benghazi, Obama’s Birth Certificate, And The Tan Suit, This Impeachment Is Purely Partisan Nonsense”

McConnell had told media outlets last week that he wanted a short trial with no witnesses. He also let slip that he planned on coordinating the Senate efforts with the White House, ruffling feathers of Democrats and moderate, unelected Republicans. If just three Republican Senators align themselves with Senate Democrats, however, they can force McConnell to adopt a format for the impeachment trial that all but assures witnesses will be called such as John Bolton or Mick Mulvaney.

“There will be no difference between the president’s position and our position as to how to handle this,” McConnell told right wing host Sean Hannity on Fox News Thursday night. (NY Daily News)

Because of McConnell and Senator Lindsey Graham’s public statements about the impending trial, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has decided to withhold the articles of impeachment from the Senate, essentially putting the brakes on the impeachment train, until McConnell decides how he intends to run the trial. Today, McConnell was spotted coming back from his lunch break. After explaining to reporters that he was sweaty and out of breath because it’s on his lunch breaks that he likes to lube up and fuck a chunk of coal with old racist Confederate songs blaring on his car radio, McConnell announced his proposed change of venue.

“I intend to file the necessary paperwork to move any Senate impeachment trial from our nation’s capital to Moscow,” McConnell explained. “My reasoning for this is quite simple. A president should be impeached in the country he works to serve most. If we had ever been able to impeach that nig – excuse me, URBAN – president we had before Trump, I’d have insisted we hold his trial in Hell, because as everyone knows he literally works for Satan.”

While he fully intends to hold the impeachment trial in Moscow, McConnell is unsure about a few other changes that he’s currently mulling over.

“We’re still debating whether or not to hold the proceedings in English or Russian, so that it’s easier for our bosses to follow along,” McConnell divulged, wiping coal dust off the crotch of his suit trousers. “But in the interest of fairness and logic, frankly it just has to be done in Russia.”

Reportedly, the White House is quite supportive of McConnell’s decision to move the trial to Russia. In a statement to the press, White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham hailed McConnell as a “true comrade of the белый дом.” The president, while awaiting a helicopter ride to his D.C. area golf resort for lunch at the clubhouse with is First Lady, agreed to shout at reporters for a few minutes while he paced around the White House lawn, and was asked about McConnell’s proposed venue change.

“I gotta make this quick, because Ivanka’s already waiting for me at the clubhouse, but hell yes I back that! That’s, really, if you think about it, a genius move. And if anyone knows what’s genius, it’s me, the stablest of geniuses,” Trump said. “I’m frankly really excited at the idea of taking a trip back to Moscow. Haven’t been in awhile, and there are some very lovely urinary working girls I’d like to pop in on. Plus, I’m wondering if Vlad can do my annual performance while I’m there and kill two birds with one, um, rock or whatever.”

McConnell does have a few things he needs to “look into and verify” before he fully commits to moving the impeachment trial to Moscow, he said.

“I want to make sure I can still cash the checks the NRA sends me while I’m over there. I figure it won’t be a problem, because the NRA gets its rubles from Russia anyway,” McConnell announced, “but just to be on the safe side, I’ve put in a call to Vlad to make sure there are decent check cashing places in town where we Republicans can take care of our business.”


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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