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Monday, June 5, 2023

McDonald’s Debuted Their New ‘Big Muck’ Hamberders at Clemson White House Dinner

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the federal government entering its fourth week of historic shutdown status, President Donald Trump could have canceled or postponed hosting the Clemson Tigers college football team, as had been originally planned last night. However, Trump decided to use the moment to try and score some more political points, and he hosted the team at the White House, and according to himself and his Chief Propaganda Officer Sarah Huckabee Sanders, paid for the catered meal of American fast food out of his own pockets.

Independent fact checkers are still investigating whether Trump, one of the world’s most famous non-payers of any debt whatsoever. 

While some have criticized the dinner as “cheap,” or “cringe-tastic,” “embarrassing,” or “plain dumb” by many, many critics, apparently fast food behemoth McDonald’s saw the dinner as a golden marketing opportunity. This morning, during a conference call with investors, McDonald’s brass divulged that they’d used the Clemson dinner to “soft launch” a brand new menu item. The new sandwich might even explain a quizzical tweet the president sent last night, with what most people had assumed was another of his unavoidable, comical spelling errors.

“We were so excited when the president’s people called us and asked if we’d like to cater the Clemson dinner,” Glenda Willy, a high-ranking McDonald’s executive told investors today. “Because as you all know, we’ve been formulating the recipe on a new sandwich, and we thought the White House was a glorious, prestigious place to debut it. So ladies and gentleman, I am pleased to announce our brand new, Big Muck hamberder, has been born into this world!”

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The room cheered. Celebratory Chicken McNuggets were hoisted high into the air, and then dunked straight down into various sauces. Ms. Willy reminded the investors on the call that McDonald’s has been trying to perfect the hamberder for years, but their taste engineers had finally had a breakthrough weeks ago. Catering a White House dinner was just a bit of fortuitous luck, Willy said.

“The Big Muck would have launched regardless, but having one of our literally biggest fans debut it for us at the White House? That’s just big AF, fam,” Willy said. “Big AF.”

So what’s in the Big Muck hamberder?

“Two all beef patties, smothered in Russian dressing, and topped with a fried chicken breast we run over to KFC and buy,” Willy reminded investors. “Hence where we get the ‘berd’ from. Yes, we know it’s misspelled, but when the number one guy promoting your sandwich is a notoriously terrible speller, it all kinda comes out in the wash anyway.”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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