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Monday, June 5, 2023

McDonald’s Introduces the McManafort Nothingburger, Which Is Huge and Served With Russian Dressing

OAK BROOK, ILLINOIS — In order to capitalize on the buzz swirling around the American political landscape, the world’s second largest fast food chain has announced it will roll out a new special hamburger in the next two weeks. Dubbed the “McManafort Nothingburger,” McDonald’s will unveil its newest culinary concoction in select D.C. and Moscow restaurant locations beginning the second week in November.

The McManafort Nothingburger is admittedly a bit of a misnomer, Helen Shatzworth, Junior Deputy Communications Officer for McDonald’s told investors on a conference call last week.

“The name of course implies that this would be a small, maybe even non-existent burger,” Shatzworth told investors, “but quite the opposite is true. This is a two-pounder, folks. It’s going to be sandwiched between two beautiful sesame seed buns, comes with your choice of cheeses, and will be served with a beautiful Putin’s Own Russian dressing.”

The price for the McManafort will be $4.99 and its equivalent in rubles for just the burger, with combos that come with fries and a drink starting at two dollars more. An additional new item that will be available with the McManafort combo was also revealed by Shatzworth.


“We think the Vladimir Poutine fries will be a real barn burner,” Shatzworth said.  “We’re also trying to lock down a deal with InBev for a special Mueller Genuine Draft beer to sell with the burger in Moscow locations.”

Not to be outdone by McDonald’s, and still wanting to capitalize on the new wave of interest in the American political landscape, other fast food purveyors have followed in the industry’s titan’s footsteps. KFC has decided to market their new bucket meals at Trump voters in certain deep red, deep south states, by adding an additional two K’s to their name. Burger King has decided to rename their signature sandwich Another Trump Whopper. Subway tried to go after Trump supporters as well, hiring Bill O’Reilly as their new celebrity spokesperson.

“We wanted to keep our spokesperson in the Foglerian mold we cast many years ago,” Subway announced last week, “but we thought shit with kids makes me people so mad we needed someone who sexually assaulted adults but that would get a free pass from certain demographics we’re trying to penetrate. Huh-huh, I said, penetrate.”

Some more satire for you:

Kellyanne Conway: Manafort Not Arrested, He’s “Alternatively Free for Alternatively Not Colluding With Russia”


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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