The American Dental Association has issued a statement advising that there is a “heightened risk” of contracting the novel coronavirus, or COVID-19 the more one tells lies.
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“As we can clearly see from recent news stories, the more one lies through their teeth, the higher risk they have of an infection from COVID-19,” the ADA wrote in a press statement released today. “We strongly urge Americans in all fifty states to brush and floss after meals, and while their government struggles to get its arms around the pandemic, we further urge all liars to stop lying so much.”
The ADA announced it was beginning clinical studies of the link between lying through your teeth, dental health, and any connection to COVID-19. At the start of the outbreak, not much was known at all about the coronavirus, let alone wither mendacity had any effect on how strong the virus can grow within someone’s immune system. AS of today, however, while the studies are still in their infancy, the ADA, out of an abundance of caution, is imploring Americans to “try to at least be semi-truthful” in what they say.
“Obviously these studies are simply too new for us to be able to point to peer-reviewed data,” ADA deputy spokesperson Kimberly McTavish told reporters during a teleconference today. “So we’re just making these statements as general advisories, based on what we have observed so far. If your job description includes lying your surgically-enhanced face off, we’d strongly urge you to take a few days off at the very least.”
McTavish said she didn’t “want to single anyone out,” but that “clearly there are people in charge at the highest levels” that aren’t understanding how important it is to tell the truth.
“I mean, whether or not telling the truth ends up having any verifiable impact on COVID-19’s contagiousness,” McTavish said, “there are also all kinds of non-medical reasons that telling the truth to the American people should be happening. We certainly don’t want to singe anyone out, but between the president and his press secretary testing positive, there’s clearly some kind of correlation between lying and the coronavirus. Proving causation may not happen, but correlation is already there for everyone to see.”
The White House issued a statement, demanding the ADA retract its story or they will be subject to drone strikes and FBI raids.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.