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Saturday, June 3, 2023

After Reading Meghan McCain’s Book, Biden Awards Goldberg and Behar Presidential Medals

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In her new book, conservative commentator Meghan McCain largely blames her treatment at the hands of co-hosts Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar for leaving “The View.” McCain would frequently clash both on the air and during commercial breaks with Behar and Goldberg, and there was wide speculation at the time of her departure that those conflicts were a motivating factor.

Historians note this is approximately the 3.2 billionth time since the start of the year that a conservative has attempted to paint themselves as victims, and the 300 trillionth time yesterday that a conservative blamed a black woman for her own failures in life.


One unforeseen but related development, however, is likely to cause quite a bit of surprise, at least among conservatives. Shortly after reading an advance copy of McCain’s book, President Joe Biden convened his staff. An hour or so later, reports are, the Biden administration came out of the impromptu meeting with two brand new Presidential Medals of Freedom to award.

One to Behar, and one to Goldberg.

During a briefing at the White House, Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained the president’s thinking on the subject.

“The president, uh, of course, uh, truly believes in the right of every American to speak their mind, and freely express their thoughts, uh, no matter how stupid those thoughts might be,” Psaki insisted.

“However, he also values the courage it takes to tell an obnoxious, bloviating dilettante to shut her pie hole and quit screeching over everyone. Tet, what truly, uh, earned Ms. Goldberg and Ms. Behar their medals is the undeniable net-positive effect of getting getting a toxic font of near-constant misinformation, deflection, and faux-outrage’s time on America’s airwaves greatly reduced. Both these brave women accomplished just that, uh, feat. That’s a debt the American people may never be able to repay.”

President Biden, according to Psaki, “thought long and hard” about what life would be like if McCain hadn’t been so offended by differing viewpoints and people just as willing to speak their opinions as she was. What if McCain hand’ left and instead had worked on “The View” for another decade or longer?

“That thought, frankly, chilled him to the bone. We’re already at a crossroads in this country, and each idiotic thing that another moron hears puts us further down a dark, derpy road,” Psaki explained to the reporters in the room.

“So he considers the work Whoopi and Joy did getting Meghan out of so many living rooms and kitchens is, uh, worthy to be recognized at the highest level possible.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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