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Monday, June 5, 2023

Merck Developing Special Reverse-Roofie For Jeff Sessions’ Experimental Memory Treatment

KENILWORTH, NEW JERSEY — Merck, the pharmaceutical industry titan, has announced the development of a new, experimental memory restoration drug. The company simultaneously announced its first trials would be conducted on none other than Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

“Obviously Attorney General Sessions is the absolute right person to conduct these clinical trials on, because he seems to not be able to remember anything until after it comes out in the newspapers and contradicts what he said in the first place,” Merck spokesperson Shirley Simonds told the media at a press conference announcing the drug’s development.

Sessions recently appeared before the House Judiciary Oversight Committee and repeatedly answered questions from congressional representatives on various subjects by saying he couldn’t recall or remember the details about which he was being questioned. Simonds says Merck was already developing what they’ve dubbed the “reverse roofie” because it’s meant to have the opposite effect that rohypnol — the actual drug “roofie” is a nickname for — sometimes carries. Roofies have sometimes been used by rapists to cause their victims to be unable to remember with clarity the events of their sexual assault.

“Mr. Sessions seems to suffer from a very acute case of PMCRS, or Politically Motivated Can’t Remember Shit — a very real, very serious illness that effects one in every one politician at some point in their lives,” Simonds asserted.

There have been some discussions about what color to make the drug. Though in its non-synthesized state its has an orange-ish hue, Simonds said that Attorney General Sessions has already made some suggestions as to what color the drug should be.

“All of his suggestions are white, or a shade of white,” Simonds said.

It’s unclear how much time it will take for clinical trials and approval by the FDA, but Merck is hoping to have their new drug onto the market by the end of next year. Attorney General Sessions could not be reached for comment.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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