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Monday, June 5, 2023

Armed Protesters Demand Their Right to Domestic Terrorism for Haircuts

DERP CITY, MICHIGAN — Dozens of armed mouth-breathers stormed a local government office this afternoon, angrily demanding they be afforded their constitutional right to domestic terrorism, even while the world is facing a terrifying global pandemic outbreak of COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus as it is also known.

Throughout Michigan, tensions are rising. The situation has grabbed so much attention, that the normally docile, docent, and reticent President of the United States broke his usual silence and tradition of not inserting himself into issues he’s not directly in control of. President Trump tweeted that the state’s government should, essentially, make a deal with the terrorists, who he referred to as “good people” who are “angry.”

The mob, many armed with semi-automatic rifles, converged on the city council’s office, demanding that the elected officials there immediately call the governor of the state and tell her their town will no longer be complying her stay-at-home orders. Citing the Second Amendment of the Constitution, the militia marched onto government property shortly after raiding a local Chick-Fil-A earlier in the morning. Though the majority of the armed protesters were wearing facial coverings, it’s unclear whether they were wearing them to protect their identities, or if they were wearing them to protect others in case they were infected with COVID-19.

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“We are here to assert our constitutional right to domestic terrorism. Hence all the guns,” Militia Lt. Col. Major General Commander Captain Jesse O’Reilly told reporters as he and his unit trudged up to the city council office. “We demand the local government recognize those rights, and in particular that they recognize the right we have as Americans to terrorize elected officials into relaxing their orders so that we can all get haircuts. Haircuts are very important to us.”

Lt. Col. Major General Commander Captain O’Reilly was one of the protests’ organizers. He says that last week, he started a Facebook group for people in his area that were “sick to death of the government’s tyrannical attempts to keep us alive.” Particularly, he wanted the group to devoted to “good, clean, ammo hoarding patriots who need a haircut” but can’t because of the lockdown restrictions on non-essential businesses. O’Reilly says he was pleased when over a hundred people joined his group.

“I knew there were many more people like me out here, just so damn angry we can’t get a haircut or go to a bar, or attend a hate rally together,” O’Reilly explained. “So we are here to take back our lives, and it starts by planting a flag and declaring our right to domestic terrorism. It’s enshrined in our Constitution for a reason, fam.”

Though not a constitutional scholar, or even someone who studied much U.S. history outside of high school, Lt. Col. Major General Commander Captain O’Reilly says he still has a “very firm grasp” on what is constitutional and what isn’t.

“Why else would they give us a Second Amendment if it wasn’t for terrorizing people as soon as we feel our outdated and naive, immature idea of what freedom is being trampled upon,” O’Reilly asked rhetorically, “Why, in fact, wouldn’t the framers want us to start shooting people who were elected by people we disagree with, but who outnumber us? My guns will ensure that I get to the barber so he can help me keep my hair high and tight.”

City Council Member June Flintly says she and the rest of the council will “take the militia’s demands under advisement.” However, she warns that it’s typically been the council’s policy in the past not to negotiate with terrorists. That policy could mean that the armed mob still might not get their way.

“Don’t get me wrong, having a rifle pointed at your head is a pretty convincing argument, at least in the moment,” Flintly told us via Skype. “That being said, we don’t negotiate with terrorists. So we seem to be in a bit of a stalemate.”

The council is set to meet later next week. Flintly said she will keep this outlet apprised as to any developments as they relate to this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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