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Monday, June 5, 2023

Midterm Voters Anxious to Take First Steps Toward Ending State of National Emergy

The results of a new poll we conducted with the help of We Poll You So Hard, one of the nation’s leading public polling companies, seem to show that an overwhelming majority of likely midterm voters consider the upcoming election a chance to help and true national emergy facing the country.

Throughout the history of the United States, there have been times when stability and domestic tranquility were under threat. The American Revolution, the Civil War, World War II, and the post-9/11 era have been times of great challenge and emergy. In fact, many feel the Afghanistan War and our continued presence in Iraq prove that we’ve never quite ended the state of emergy that 9/11 put us in.

Working with We Poll You, over 1200 likely voters were identified and called on cell phones, land lines, and through traditional smoke signals. 72% said that a driving reason for them voting in just over two weeks is the ability to “take baby steps toward taking the keys to the car away from the giant, angry, racist, white collar crook manbaby in chief” and to “finally end this national emergy.”

Below are some selected responses from those who took the poll.

Churn Bortleson, 24, Cedar Falls, New Mexico — “This national emergy has been one of the worst ever, and it’s hard to imagine we’ll be able to sustain it another two years, God forbid another six. I can’t wait to vote and hopefully flip Congress so we can get a diaper change on that fat orange fuck. Can I say ‘fat orange fuck’ here? I guess I did. Oh well. He’s a fat orange fuck.”

Sandra McScoodoo, 43, Point Romance, Minnesota — “I’ve lived through a couple national emergy situations before, but this one is by far the worst. I mean, none of the others had literal Nazis that our tubby douche president sucked up to. So yeah, I can’t wait to fucking vote, fam.”

Hizby Flankerflubby, 34, Chicken Grove, California — “Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. FUCK HIM. FUCK. FUCKING. HIM. Yeah, I guess you could say I’m ready for this national emergy to over, fo’fuckin’sho’.”

The White House did not comment on this story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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