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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Mike Lindell: Trump Will Be Back in Power and ‘Make Jesus White Again’ by Christmas

Mike Lindell, CEO of MyPillow and its subsidiary, MyCrackPipe, can be accused of a whole host of things, but one thing no one can reasonably accuse him of is disloyalty to former President Don J. Trump. Despite being sued by the very companies he has accused of conspiring to steal last year’s election from Trump for billions of dollars, Lindell has continued to float and push fresh new theories and accusations.

Mr. Lindell has repeatedly predicted — if not outright guaranteed — that Trump would return to power this year.

META NAZIS HAVE ALREADY META INFESTED FACEBOOK’S NEWLY REBRANDED “META”

His first prediction of an August reset date, however came and went. Now, Lindell says he knows “for total certain” that Trump will be president once more, and that he’ll return to power before Christmas. Lindell told OAN this morning that Trump’s top priority upon “being set back down on the throne of power” will be to “Make Jesus white again.”

“The radical left and their woke agenda of Hate America First has sullied everything in this country, Jack! Now they want us to believe that our good, clean, ammo hoarding Jesus Christ wasn’t white, but was brown-skinned, just based on some stupid things like historical and scientific information,” Lindell complained to OAN host Jack Posobiec.

“Don Trump won’t stand for this, Jack! He knows that being white is a gosh darned gift from God, and it means that we are actually his chosen people. Don’s chosen people, I mean. I’m pretty sure even God wouldn’t claim MAGAs as his own creations. But don’t worry, Don Trump will fix God up soon enough.”

Lindell also announced that once Trump was back in office, he will be put in charge of a very important initiative.

“Jack, when our God King Emperor returns to the throne, he’s promised that my loyalty will be rewarded. He’s going to have me work with Margo Greene one a secret space laser project for Space Force, and I cannot tell you how excited I am to share ideas with the person I also share a crack pipe with,” Lindell shouted.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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