GILEAD, INDIANA — Last week, DC Comics published an edition of “Superman” that garnered quite a bit of attention.
For the first time in the character’s history, the Man of Steel was portrayed as bisexual, within the pages of the new comic book. The reaction from fans has been largely positive, as comic books have often been used to advance views of social equality. One person who clearly is not happy with the new sexual identity for Superman — one of the longest running characters in American publishing history — is former Vice President Mike Pence.
“Call me crazy, but back in my day you could only IMAGINE how sexy watching Superman kiss another dude might be,” Pence told congregants at an Indiana church which was hosting a prayer breakfast in his honor this morning. “Now the far left is forcing us to buy multiple copies and spend most of the day staring at it, right there out in the open!”
“Last weekend, I found myself eye to eye, hand to peen, with an image that, as intensely and immediately as I was turgidified in my pantsular zone because of it, still shook me to my very fundamentalist core. There, in the pages of Superman, I found the hero smooching another man, and well, after thirty intense minutes alone with it, I’m not exactly sure what to do with myself.”
Later in his prepared remarks, Pence would reveal that it wasn’t just a single half-hour he spent “deeply studying” the comic book.
Over the course of the weekend, Pence estimated he was alone with it for “at least 80% of the time.” The former vice president wanted to “make cock sure” what he was seeing wasn’t just a figment of his imagination. He wanted to triple check the reaction reading the book had on his penis.
“I was just sure that if I read it enough times, no matter how tight my pants got, I’d be able to come.” Pence said, stumbling over his words.
“Come, come…cum. Wait. What? Oh, right. That’d I’d be able to come up with some way to get this filthy, sexy, sinful, boner-licious comic book off the newsstands.”
Snapping his fingers, Pence suddenly had an idea.
“I know! If I just buy up all the copies, and have them moved to my personal library here,” Pence said, scratching his chin, “I can keep an eye on them. A really, close, masturbating eye on them! That way, the public stays protected from the toxic sexiness of a bisexual Superman!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.