SHITSBURG, VIRGINIA — Vice President Mike Pence warned a group of graduates from Y’all Qaeda Holy Trinity Bible College that they will be “victims of unspeakable persecution, both real and imagined, but mostly imagined.”
“You must be prepared when you leave this sacred place of academic avoidance to defend your theocratic fascism with all your cold heart,” Pence told graduates during a highly politically charged and religiously based commencement speech. “Because you see, out there, they don’t know the truth about America. They don’t know the Constitution may promise freedom of religious expression, but that it means you are free to choose from any one of the many good, clean, Christian religions.”
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Vice President Pence invoked “the man we all want to walk just a little closer to, day by day.”
“And luckily, each time I visit Donald Trump, I do get a little closer to him. I smell his musk. I breathe it in,” Pence said. “Sure, at first I was as totally horrified and disgusted by him and his total lack of morality, scruples, or flatulence control. But when I realized that he was very incredibly stupid, and would let me punish people for feeling free to do things with their sexy bits that I only dare dream about, well, let’s just say love isn’t just blind. It’s deaf, mute, and incredibly idiotic.”
Pence reminded graduates that “in Trump’s America, evangelical Christianity won’t look, sound, or taste like Biblical Christianity.”
“Don’t let them cuck you into thinking that just because you worship a vain, venile rich man and hate the poor that Jesus wouldn’t welcome you into Heaven,” Pence said. “I can assure you that Jesus is totally on our side. And if he isn’t? Who cares, right? As long as we get our tax cuts and force rape victims to have rape babies, God’s on our side and always will be, and we’ll kill him if he gets in our way anyway, so let’s just move on. Right? Right? Right.”
Mr. Pence implored the students to “enter the world willing to ram yourselves all the way down everyone’s throats.”
“Really, truly. Just get all the way down in there. Most people may resist at first, but they’ll eventually see how much they actually like it,” Pence explained. “You have to be willing to force your narrow, black-and-white, totally un-nuanced morals on everyone, because freedom and liberty depend on shaming liberals and telling them they’re going to Hell. can I get an amen?”
Vice President Pence lamented the loss of the “good old days,” when “you could force your strict, old fashioned, and delusional religious dogma” on other people.
“It used to be that people understood we held the power; all the power. Now, you’ve got uppity libtards out there, parading around like they’re our equals,” Pence said. “It’s all Obama’s fault, of course. He divided us by making more people feel included. Does that make sense? Of course not. But neither do talking burning bushes, literal giants, or being told by God to kill your son to prove to him you love him. But here we are anyway, huh?”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.