WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to the situation are reporting that Vice President High Priest Mike Pence has spent approximately the last twelve hours watching a steady and endless stream of video clips on Pornhub. Pence initially got onto the Internet — something he firmly believes is the first step on the road to Hell most days — looking for videos on the coronavirus. Father Pence has been tasked by King God Emperor President Donald J. Trump with leading the U.S. government’s response to a potentially deadly outbreak of the virus that has ground China and Italy to a near halt, infected tens of thousands, and killed hundreds.
“Okay, let’s just see here,” Pence was overheard saying as he sat down on his bed with his laptop computer, “I’ll just open an Internet window here, and type in coronavirus videos. Now, I press enter…and…”
Reportedly, Pence found a story published on Vice’s website about coronavirus-related pornography going viral on Pornhub.
A search for coronavirus on Pornhub returns 112 videos with titles like “MILF In Coronavirus Quarantine Gets Hard Fucked for Medicine” and “Coronavirus patients fuck in quarantine room.” (Vice)
Pence claims now that he “didn’t catch the porn thing” referenced in the Vice article, and simply clicked on a link to “do some research.” The vice president might not be intimately familiar with how “computers work” because he’s convinced the idea for them was implanted in someone’s head by the literal devil, Satan, but he knows enough to do simple searches on websites. Once his browser window had landed on Pornhub’s website, Pence quickly found the search box and typed “coronavirus” in it.
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“Okay, let’s see here…oh no,” Pence said when he’d read the title of the first clip that popped up, “this poor man’s step-daughter has coronavirus, and he’s forced to comfort her with his…oh it cuts off before I can finish reading the title, so I’ll just click on it to see how he’s planning to comfort his step-daughter because if we have an outbreak here, we’re going to need to know how to comfort the sick — OH HOLY GOOD LORD ABOVE! WHAT THE DOHICKEY GOLLY GOSHDARN HECKING HECK IS GOING ON?!”
The full title was now visible to the vice president, and now he knew. The man was comforting his step-daughter with, as the video proclaimed, “His Cock.” Pence couldn’t push the back button fast enough. His palms began to sweat, and his heartbeat could be felt all over his body.
“Wait a minute…okay, that was just grody and wrong,” Pence said to himself. “Maybe just a fluke, though. Let’s scroll down a little bit and see if we can find a good, clean, Christian, wholesome, clip about coronavirus for me to research.”
Pence scrolled for a few seconds before he found exactly what he thought he was looking for.
“Ah! There we go,” Pence said, “four sailors on shore leave. Nothing more wholesome than honorable servicemen serving their country so well they get to take a little break in an international port of call! Apparently they’ve gotten off the ship in a quarantined area, though, and have only each other for warmth and…okay, gonna click on this one.”
But that video was even more startling than the first one.
“Hey! Why aren’t they wearing their full uniforms, just their hats? Their cute little funny hats that are arousing in a way,” Pence mumbled. “And why are they naked wrestling like Mother and I did that one time to make our daughter? They can’t make babies with each other, can they? Or have the so-called scientists made THAT sinful fantasy a reality too? I better keep watching this one to the end, so I can get their rank and serial numbers and report them for conduct unbecoming while coming.”
By the end of that video, Pence had noticed that there was another clip from the same movie, and three more clips after that. The vice president started watching clip after clip. Soon, he wasn’t even worried about whether the context of the clip was the coronavirus. As long as it had at least two men working hard with and for each other, Pence made sure to watch it “for research purposes.” Hours later, Pence happened to be looking down at his wrist when he noticed the time on his watch.
“Holy wow! I’ve been doing internet research for twelve hours,” Pence said. “I gotta take a break and get something to eat. Something with potassium and electrolytes. I feel dizzy, and honestly I feel a little deflated, empty, I guess is a good way to put it. I’ll recharge my batteries a bit and get back to doing some more research later tonight, after Mother’s asleep.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.