55.2 F
Los Angeles
Sunday, February 5, 2023

Mike Pence: “If You Close Your Eyes to Pray, The COVID Goes Away”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President Mike Pence told the American people today that if they pray with their eyes shut, the novel coronavirus will no longer be a threat to them. Mr. Pence has come under fire in recent days over a report that he encouraged governors to push misleading information about the state of the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak in their respective states.

MORE: Mike Pence Grateful Trump Can’t Fire Him Now

As reported by The Failing New York Times Which Has Not Yet Quite Folded Which Is Kinda Weird Because Our Stable Genius President Has Been Calling Them Failing For Years Now, Pence has been telling governors that they should blame the current spike of cases in states all over America on an increase in testing.

“I would just encourage you all, as we talk about these things, to make sure and continue to explain to your citizens the magnitude of increase in testing,” Mr. Pence said on a call with governors, audio of which was obtained by The New York Times. “And that in most of the cases where we are seeing some marginal rise in number, that’s more a result of the extraordinary work you’re doing.” (The Failing New York Times Which Has Not Yet Quite Folded Which Is Kinda Weird Because Our Stable Genius President Has Been Calling Them Failing For Years Now)

There is no consensus among accredited virulogists and immunologists that increased testing has increased the number of positive cases alone. In fact, what the medical research community has been saying is that protests about both the COVID-19 lockdowns and the protests over the vicious murder of a black man by a white cop kneeling on his neck for over eight minutes increase the risk of community spread of the coronavirus. While it is true that conducting more tests could logically lead to there being an increase in the number of positive cases, the sheer volume of the recent spike surpasses  what could be reasonably predicted to be an increase related solely to a ramping-up of testing.

Whether Pence encouraged governors to lie or simply encouraged them to frame the truth in a misleading way could be left to interpretation. However, Vice President Pence, speaking at a prayer breakfast in the nation’s capital today, encouraged congregants and politicians to spread yet another message to the American people about COVID-19. According to the vice president, if Americans simply close their eyes to pray, they won’t “see anything even related to the coronavirus,” and inserting ear plugs just before praying will completely remove the virus from their lives.

“Folks, I’m here to tell you something very simple. I’m here to tell you how powerful prayer really is,” Pence said. “Libtard Socialist Cuck Americans like to pretend that praying is just someone talking to themselves, but we REAL, good, clean, white, ammo hoarding, God fearing patriotic Americans know that praying is literally a hotline to God.”

In order to make a call on the “hotline to God,” Pence says that all Americans have to do is close their eyes. That’s “when the real magic happens.”

“If you close your eyes to pray, the COVID goes away,” Pence said, smiling. “Of course I understand that under normal circumstances rhyming is close to poetry, which rap is a form of, and therefore is a dangerous sin committed by URBANS, but in this case, I have to say, it’s really quite fortuitous that we can make a rhyme and have it carry such a meaningful, important message. Close your eyes to pray, the COVID goes away. Catchy, huh?”

Pence suggested there are numerous issues that can be resolved by closing your eyes and praying.

“You also won’t see your wife leave you for a man who’s attracted to her,” Pence suggested. “You probably won’t see racism, which we all know doesn’t exist, but closing your eyes and praying about it will make racism completely go away one way or the other. Also, you wouldn’t see a bus about to hit you. So many blessings!”

More than 2.1 million Americans have contracted COVID-19, resulting in a death toll of, so far, more than 118,000 thousand people.

MORE: Trump Orders Dave Chappelle Arrested for Slaying Candace Owens

Like what you read? Sign up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
Latest news
Related news


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.



Popular categories