Mike Pence Orders All Pride Flags Moved From U.S. Embassies and Into His Den of Sin Where They Belong

WASHINGTON, D.C. — June is “Pride Month” in the LGTBQ community, which means it’s a month of celebrations that mark the long march toward legal equality and societal acceptance, as well as honoring those who have protested at great personal peril to achieve those goals. For the last several years, U.S. embassies across the globe have flown a flag known as the “Pride Flag,” a flag adorned with stripes that represent the colors of the rainbow — a symbol of hope for the community. But this year, the Trump administration ordered that only the official flag of the United States be flown.

Though the decision caused an uproar, Vice President High Priest Mike Pence defended it. In an interview, Pence said “one flag should fly” in front of embassies, and that he “support[s]” the State Department’s directive to take down the rainbow flags. 

In an interview with NBC News, Pence said, “I’m aware that the State Department indicated that on the flagpole of our American embassies that one flag should fly, and that’s the American flag, and I support that.” (USA Today)

This morning on his way to a prayer breakfast, Pence told reporters he was willing to offer the LGBTQ a compromise on the flags.

“Okay, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about it, guys, and I think what I’m going to do is order all pride flags removed from the embassies, but have them put in a very special place,” Pence told reporters outside the First Baptist Church of D.C. “I think they’ll look much better in my private sex dungeon anyway.”

Vice President Pence explained that he felt the pride flags were “too garish and out there” to be flown at the various embassies the U.S. has around the world. Pence says that he’s “always believed you can be whoever you want to be, but only in super-duper private.”

“People have the wrong idea about me! I’m into all kinds of kink and I’m fluid AF,” Pence admitted, “it’s just that I have to keep all that just below the surface, like a roiling cauldron of sexuality. I have to play the part in public, you see. But that doesn’t mean I don’t let my freak flag fly. I do! I let my freak flag fly all day and all night. Just, you know, only in private. Only in my sex den. That’s where all our sexuality belongs; our sex dens.”

Mr. Pence stopped short of divulging exactly what happens in his private sex den, but he reiterated several times that he feels the pride flags would “fit right in” with the sex den’s overall aesthetic.

“Shit gets lit in that sex den, let me tell you what,” Pence said. “If you think a guy who calls his heterosexual breeding partner Mother isn’t capable of doing some poppers, putting on some Gloria Gaynor, and getting in touch with the most private side of his privates, you don’t know Mike Pence, or my sexy alter-ego, Mikey Peens, for that matter.”

With that, Pence bade everyone farewell, and entered the church where he gave a rousing speech about “protecting our good, clean, Christian morals” to an excited congregation. Mikey Peens was spotted at D.C.’s hottest closeted gay club, The Denial later in the afternoon, enjoying the free buffet offered by the club. 

The Vice President’s office did not comment on this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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