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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Mike Pence Demands RNC Carry Roy Moore’s Candidacy To Full Term

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice-President Mike Pence issued a stern warning to the Republican National Committee Wednesday morning.

In a letter written on old scrolls like those used to author the Bible, Pence demanded that the RNC not drop its support for embattled Alabama Judge Roy Moore. Mr. Moore is accused of sexually harassing, abusing, and molesting underage, pubescent girls when he was in his twenties and thirties. The allegations stem from a bombshell report in The Washington Post that highlighted the stories of several women who, when they were younger, were approached by Moore in some fashion, seeking sexual contact.

“By the powers vested in me by the people of these United States, and by the Lord Thy One, True, American God, I hereby demand that the Republican National committee carry Judge Roy Moore’s candidacy to full term.”

Pence’s letter comes as the RNC announced it was ending its efforts to help Moore raise funds in pursuit of the Senate seat left vacant by Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

Politico reports:

The Republican National Committee is pulling out of a joint fundraising agreement it had with Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, according to a senior party official briefed on the decision. It is also canceling a field program it had set up ahead of the state’s Dec. 12 special election. (Politico)

“I am shocked, appalled, and offended that you would choose to end your support for this man just because of a little light, serial hebephilia,” Pence wrote, “Just what kind of traditional, Biblical marriage do you think men like Mr. Moore and I believe in? Not only was the Virgin Mary 14, but in Bible times, it was extremely common for teenage girls to wed older men. If it’s good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me, and that’s right in the Constitution. In the back. Near the appendix.”

Pence’s outrage poured from his words.

“We do not abort things in the Republican Party, not ever,” Pence writes, “Not even when its obvious that a special prosecutor is closing in on the highest levels of an incompetent, corrupt, selfish administration, we do not abort things! Republicans blindly hit the feeder pellet over and over and over again even when it’s evident we’re just failing, like Reaganomics. ”

The Republican National Committee did not comment on this story.

More satire:

Lost Chapter From “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” Found!

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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