WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President Mike Pence has spent the last 36 solid hours just staring at maps of four states — Alabama, Georgia, Ohio, and Missouri. According to several sources close to the situation, Pence is in a fully turgid, completely aroused state.
“Mmm,” Pence could be heard groaning, just barely audibly. “Mmmhmmm. Love it. So great. Must feel so good to personally control so many women. I don’t even get what all the fuss about women is, really, but I know for darn sure how good it feels to use my belief in a sky man to tell women how, when, why, and who to have sex with. Praise be to Him, I am turned by all this!”
The Vice President is one of the most devoutly conservative Christian men to ever hold the second highest office in the country. Pence famously contributed to an HIV/AIDS outbreak as governor of Indiana when he closed down needle exchanges he said were immoral. Pence long been a proponent of upending Roe vs. Wade and making abortion illegal in the United States again. Now that four states have passed the most restrictive abortion regulations since that 1973 Supreme Court decision, sources say Pence hasn’t been able to stop staring at their maps longingly.
“Man, how many wet dreams did I have in the Indiana governor’s mansion, just wishing, hoping, and praying for a chance to get to sign a law that forces rape victims to birth their rapist’s baby,” Pence mumbled to himself. “I would have given my left hand for that chance, because I could’ve still used my right to sign it! The Bible is so very clear about how we’re supposed to judge people and put them in jail for violating our personal moral code. At least that’s what I’m sure the Bible says if I were take the time to study it more than I pound it and/or act like I want to lube up and fuck it.”
Pence had no idea, aides say, that he’d be quite so aroused by the news of women losing their reproductive rights, but he’s “running with it.”
“The Vice President of course would rather that all his erections come when he’s alone, with the woman he calls ‘Mother,’ right before he sticks it in her while simultaneously holding his nose,” one source close to Pence told us. “But if his groins are going to inflate in any other context, he’s extremely happy it’s because we’re moving closer and closer to a fascist theocracy.”
Pence’s boss, President Trump, said he’s “kind off-put” by Pence’s erection.
“I mean, he’s not staring at swimsuit photos of beautiful daughter Ivanka, so I don’t even get what he thinks is so sexy about those maps,” Trump said. “Besides, we all know the maps that really get you horny are Electoral College maps where you barely win because about 100,000 in swing states were swayed by Russian propaganda, and before I forget: MAGA, NO COLLUSION, BASICALLY NO OBSTRUCTION IF YOU IGNORE ALL THE OBSTRUCTION, TRUMP OUT!”
Pence has not indicated when, or if, he’ll stop staring at the maps erotically.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.