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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Mitch McConnell Buys Aunt Jemima Syrup But Puts the Bottle in the Back of the Cart

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell was recently spotted out and about the suburbs of the nation’s capital, shopping for groceries. McConnell, wearing a mask and shuffling around the store, was seen in the breakfast food aisle, choosing which pancake syrup to buy.

“Well, they all look so tasty and delicious, and I’m sure they’ll make my pancakes taste great,” McConnell was heard muttering as he perused the syrups. “Oh, ho, ho, what’s this? Why there’s a picture of a lady on this bottle that looks a lot like the…URBAN my mother hired to do all our housework for us! I thought the crazy far-left Democrats had made it literally illegal to have a person of color on your products, you know, because they’re the real racists for wanting to stop systemic racism and all.”

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For a few minutes, McConnell hemmed and hawed about whether he wanted to buy the Aunt Jemima syrup. He had no problem whatsoever with the arguably racist corporate mascot on the bottle, he’d tell friends later. However, he just wasn’t sure if anyone in the Republican Party’s base might see him buying it, and assume he was okay with Black Lives Matter, or black people thinking they matter regardless. He couldn’t afford to lose more power in the party as it was, now that the last president was out of office.

“Well, I just…I’m not sure,” McConnell said. “Oh, what the heck? I’ll just buy it. I’ll tell anyone who seems me I’m buying to own the libs, or something.”

When McConnell pulled the bottle off the shelf, however, he hesitated one more time.

“But where should I…ah, there we go,” McConnell said. “That’s exactly where she – I mean it — belongs.”

Moving some things aside, McConnell nestled the bottle of Aunt Jemima pancake syrup in the back of his shopping cart.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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