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Monday, June 5, 2023

Titanically Stupid Moron Spends His Precious Time as Dipshit in Chief Live-Tweeting His Own Impeachment

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The President of the United States is perhaps the most powerful and important elected office in human history. The current President of the United States also happens to be a manifestly corrupt, self-evidently mendacious, self-dealing, duplicitous sack of whiny shit.

Before the clock struck 10:00 am this morning, a bombastic, arrogant, tangerine tinted fuckwit had tweeted seven times about his own impeachment, which was began a couple of weeks ago with closed-door evidentiary depositions, and ramps up into full-blown public hearings today. Sources close to the Commander in Derp say that his extremely important schedule has been cleared specifically so he can belch out invective against House Democrats. Stephen Miller, White House Senior White Supremacy told reporters this morning that the stinky dick whistle in the White House feels “savagely attacked by a runaway Congress, hell bent on ruthlessly using his own words to carelessly hold him accountable.”

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Last month, the human diarrhea stain found out his administration was the subject of an investigation to determine if his asinine behavior was not just asinine , but asinine to the point that it rises to impeachable offenses. Many have pointed out since the start of this particular stupid-fuck’s presidency that his idiotic tweets could themselves be used as evidence in his impeachment, and he is “live-tweeting” his own presidency’s final moments.

President Moron McStupid, who has the dubious honor of achieving the highest disapproval ratings of any president, narrowly avoided an impeachment inquiry as a result of the Mueller Report. The porcine douchebag in chief has been assailing members of Congress who have “been so viciously rude” to him by using their Constitutional authorities to check and balance his power. The obnoxious orange ass sleeve has often ranted against the people leading the impeachment investigation. According to aides, he has asked his lawyers to look into nullifying not just the 2018 midterms, which flipped the House and set the stage for the bloviating dipshit’s impeachment.

Today’s tear-soaked and anger filled tweets began when the alleged billionaire and confirmed D-list reality TV host invoked the legal analysis of a pill popping proto fascist. President Dummyface McStupidshit highlighted that the pill popper called the impeachment proceedings a “partisan sham.” Experts note that if there is any expert on partisan shams, it’s the fat fucking asshole who gleefully cheered on the Benghazi hearings for four years.

Eight minutes later, the lying douchebag tweeted a whine about how he feels “Democrats have stacked the deck” against him. He did so not by directly whining, but by retweeting the whine of one of the so-called president’s most ardent propaganda artists, who hosts a show on the big dummy’s favorite cable news network. Despite the fact that Steve Doocy’s law degree is as real as Santa Claus, the chief executive of the United States still decided to amplify his message, because it made him feel good and his ego is literally the only thing he cares about.

After an hour of farting and crying hysterically, according to some sources within the White Supremacy House, President Jerkface was back on Twitter. This time, the colossal cretin signal-boosted a highly suspect opinion of a Breitbart writer that essentially argues breaking the law isn’t breaking the law if you stop breaking the law after you broke the law. Historians say this might be the most egregiously idiotic defense of the infamous Ukraine call used to date.

Twelve minutes after trying to convince the American people that some cretinous Breitbart douche is a credible expert on Constitutional law, the big, dumb, fucking idiot tweeted two words, in all-caps. 

It’s unclear whether the president thinks that people who didn’t want him to be president aren’t allowed to testify when they’ve seen him break the law. All that is clear and confirmed at this time is that the president remains a racist white collar crook who wants to fuck his own daughter and enjoys being pissed on by Russian prostitutes. These facts may not be relevant to his impeachment, but they are central to understanding President Imbecile’s state of mind, some staffers on the Hill have suggested.

Within the very same minute as his “NEVER TRUMPERS!” tweet, the president tweeted another all-caps blast. This time, he urged people to read something he’s claiming is a transcript, even though the “transcript” itself says right on it that it’s not, in fact a transcript. Adding further irony, the so-called transcript itself plainly shows an effort by the nincompoop on Pennsylvania Avenue to establish a quid pro quo for investigating his political rivals.

This story will be updated as this foolish ignoramus tweets and cries throughout the day.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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