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Saturday, September 30, 2023

Absolute Moron Makes Up Shit About Mail-In Voting

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A bloviating, mentally deteriorating, egomaniacal, white collar criminal — who also happens to theoretically hold the power to start a nuclear war — stood in the White House press briefing room just before the time of publication, and made up a non-stop stream of utter shit about mail-in voting.

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“Blah blah blah fucking blah,” was the intellectual equivalent of the words belched out by the President of the United States, “bleeblo bleepblop fraud, blah blah harvesting yadda yadda USPS profits this and Russian whore piss that.”

Editor’s Note: We chose not to print what the doddering conspiracy theorist in chief said about mail-in voting, so as to limit it’s spread on the Internet, and hopefully at least do our own, small part in containing the damage the sausage fingered, mushroom dicked wannabe dictator can do with his laughable lies. You’re not missing anything, really, but in case you don’t believe this outlet’s integrity outright, you can expose yourself to his toxic stupidity yourself, at your own discretion, with the video below.


“I’m just saying, if you look at what happened in Nevada, with the, yadda yadda hey hey hee hee ho,” the manifestly corrupt sack of shit said, “you’ll see slabbity pap pee pee poo poo butt.”

In a poll of people with IQs higher than their shoe sizes, Gallup determined that roughly 95% of thinking humans view Trump’s rhetoric on mail-in voting as “Hypocritical rantings of a delusional psychopath.”

“Almost everyone we spoke to put it in exactly those words, too. The damndest thing, really,” Gallup deputy media contact Suzette Collinsworth told us in a Skype interview, “and the ones who didn’t use that exact verbiage used words so similar we included them in the other group because it was just splitting hairs at that point anyway.”

92% of the poll’s respondents called it “childish, transparent stupidity.”

“The mail-in bing bong boopidy boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo,” the tiny-handed, entitled, cuntwhistle said, “pfffffffft FART NOISE FART NOISE FART NOISE.”

Editor’s Second Note: Okay, so the last part about the fart noises was an actual, direct quote. Or it wasn’t. Who cares? Is that really the hill you’re gonna die on here, Chad?

Since stepping-up his attacks on mail-in voting, it has been learned that the president, vice president, the White House Press Secretary, the Secretary of State, and many other Trump officials have, in fact, voted by mail recently. It’s not exactly clear why the president and his team draw a distinction between “absentee” and “mail-in” voting, but it’s a point they continue to make.

“Absentee blah blah blah! But mail-in yadda yadda? No,” the sausage-fingered fuckwit said, in effect, “YADDA YADDA BLAH BLAH BLAH YADDA BOB MUELLER’S ANGRY DEMOCRAT ENEMIES OF THE PRESS AOC AND THE SQUAD!”

Experts we spoke to confirmed that the man is indeed a moron, and that what he was saying about mail-in voting is total bullshit.

“Yeah, he has no clue what he’s talking about. I know this might shock a lot of people,” Historian Bert Thompson told us, “but this man, in general, has no fucking clue what he’s talking about, and that’s on literally any and every subject possible. So voting by mail is not an exception to that rule. He’s full of shit, once again.”

As the death toll from COVID-19 rises, it seems clear the president will stay laser focused on the subject that matters most to Americans during this time — mail-in voting. Thus far, there has been no evidence presented that shows wide-spread voter fraud in states where voting by mail is prevalent. There are less than 100 days left before the election is scheduled to take place.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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