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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Hannity Summoned to White House to Soothe Trump’s Anxieties Over Mueller Charges

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to the Trump administration are reporting that Fox News host Sean Hannity was seen entering the White House very late Friday night.

Hannity was summoned to the president’s residence after CNN’s bombshell report that the first criminal charges have been filed by Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller in relation to his ongoing investigations into the 2016 presidential election, as well as possible obstruction of justice charges against Trump for the firing of FBI Director James Comey. Aides say President Trump has been “distraught” and his demeanor has visibly changed.

“He might not be tweeting hot verbal diarrhea about it right now,” one aide told us, “but Mueller filing charges has got him so rattled he couldn’t bring himself to grab a single pussy or move on even one woman like a bitch. Sad.”

White House say Trump was feeling so much anxiety about the charges that he needed something to special to help him relieve the tension. With his Third First Lady fast asleep on her cot int he corner of the presidential master suite, and his Bottom Bitch Ivanka out of town, Trump could only think of one person who could help give him some release from the mounting pressure.

“The president reached out to Mr. Hannity via a direct message on Twitter and asked if he could make hasty travel arrangements,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders would later tell the press as she smothered her face in gravy and called it her “nighttime skin mask.”

Hannity agreed to come down to the White House immediately, and tweeted to his followers that he was headed to the nation’s capital right away.

“When your president calls, you answer it,” Hannity tweeted, “off to see @POTUS and do my duty for God and country.”

President Trump reportedly met Hannity in the drive way of the White House. He was anxious and asked Mr. Hannity if he was “ready to do it to it.” Hannity, according to sources close to the situation, told Trump that he would do anything the president asked, and assured him he would not stop until the job was finished.

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“I don’t start any job unless I know I’m going to finish,” Hannity said.

Trump laughed.

“That’s good Sean, because the job I need you to do definitely requires someone finishing,” Trump said, patting Mr. Hannity on the back, “so that’s really nice to hear you say. Puts me way more at ease already.”

Mr. Trump took Hannity by the hand and lead him into the White House. Hannity was taken to the secret room where President Barack Obama and then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton popped popcorn and gleefully laughed as they watched the Benghazi attack in real-time and did nothing. The setting was right, the mood was right. Trump put hand on Hannity’s shoulder, as a tear formed in the Fox host’s eye.

“This is just wonderful, Mr. President. I’m so honored,” Hannity said as Trump came up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

Trump turned Hannity around and looked him right in the eye. The president popped a Tic Tac in his mouth. A faint unzipping could be heard. Hannity didn’t flinch. He was ready for this.

“Hail to the chief,” Hannity said as he slid down onto his knees.

Roughly twenty minutes later, the gates of Hell could be heard opening up as a sound that witnesses would describe as a “seventy year old bag of farts exploding after being pummeled with a burlap sack of cats” could be heard. Thunder cracked and lightning lit up the sky as fire rained down from above. The walls of the White House shook for thirty seconds. Not long after, Hannity emerged wearing orange lipstick and left, telling aides Mr. Trump should be much more relaxed.

Fox News issued a statement of support.

“At least it was fucking consensual this time,” the statement read.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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