IVORY TOWER, CALIFORNIA — A home owned by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is currently engulfed in flames, and it’s unclear at this time when firefighters will be putting it out.
The issue is not whether firefighters can reach the blaze on time; they’re already there. So is Speaker Pelosi. The issue is that Ms. Pelosi isn’t quite sure that she wants the firefighters to put it quite yet. According to sources close the fire, Ms. Pelosi is currently weighing the political ramifications of all her options. She could let the house and the entire neighborhood go up in flames, hoping that either a rainstorm will put the fire out, or that God herself will put her mighty hand down upon the home and extinguish the flame with her holy powers. Or, she could have the firefighters do the job they were hired to do, which is see a fire and put it out.
“Oh gee, gosh, I’m just not sure now’s the right time to put the fire out,” Pelosi was overheard telling the fire captain. “I mean, what if someone who’s pro-fire gets offended? What if someone who enjoys watching houses burn and people suffering and who already hates me and wanted my house to burn down sees them putting the fire out? Would they ever vote for me or my fellow Democrats again? We have to know these answers before we act.”
Pelosi said she’s commissioned a “batter of polls” to help her determine when she should have the fire put out.
“Of course I want to have some house left before the fire gets put it out, but politically speaking,” Pelosi admitted, “I’m not sure there’ll be much more left of the structure than some ash and a couple of studs. But I think people understand my reasoning here. Why do something my home desperately needs if there are negative political consequences for me later?”
So far, roughly 20% of the home’s structure has been lost to the fire. It’s unclear whether that part of the home’s structure can ever be repaired, or if the fat, orange, and frankly racist fire has done permanent, irreparable harm to the home. Pelosi said she’s “of course worried” about that, but also “not sure anything should really be done” until she sees some poll numbers.
“How many people support me putting my house out, and how many support me letting it burn down? I need to know before I do anything,” Pelosi said.
Concerns about the whole neighborhood being threatened are “alarming” but she’s not sure she’s “alarmed to the point of action,” Pelosi admitted.
“Look, this is just a home I own, okay? I don’t really have skin in the game. If a few homes have to burn and lives have to be completely shattered so that it protects my political legacy, isn’t that worth it? I think it is,” Pelosi said. “I think the American people will agree with me, no matter how low my approval ratings are. Everyone knows I’m the only one who knows what to do about things, so let’s all just take a chill pill, okay?”
At the time of publication, the fire is still roaring. It’s also tweeting angrily about the firefighters being an “angry Democrat mob” and that “you can’t put out a fire caused by Democrats.” Authorities say they hope that Pelosi decides to act soon, but they aren’t holding their breath. 2020 Democratic hopeful Sen. Liz Warren (D-MA) is reportedly literally right behind Pelosi, pointing a massive firehose at the house, but the Speaker hasn’t noticed her yet.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.