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Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Nation Devastated to Learn Trump Officials Will Likely Recover from Coronavirus Infections

All across the United States, Americans are finding out that the executive branch of their government is currently besieged by an outbreak of COVID-19, otherwise known as the novel coronavirus. Many find themselves nervous and anxious after learning that the Trump administration officials who have contracted the virus will very likely survive the illness.

More: Experts Warn: U.S. Economy Now as Depressed By Trump as Americans Are

“Yeah, I heard the news over the weekend, and at first I was pretty hella excited,” California native Erin Kelly told us in part of a group panel discussion we held with a dozen Americans in different states, in order to gauge their response to the news. “Then, I did some basic, back of the envelope math on the fatality rate of the disease, and got a little bummed when I realized they’ll most likely all recover from it.”

Over the past few days, the Vice President’s Press Secretary was confirmed to be positive for COVID-19. Katie Miller also happens to be the new wife of Secretary of Race War Stephen Miller. However, Ms. Miller is not the only member of the Trump administration who has been identified as being positive for the coronavirus. Nearly a dozen Secret Service agents have been, as well as one of President Trump’s personal valets have also tested positive for coronavirus. There are even three top ranking officials in the president’s own coronavirus response task force who have been forced into self-isolation as a precaution due to being exposed to the virus.

In a related development, as we reported yesterday, the coronavirus itself took the unusual and unprecedented step of breaking its media silence. During a press conference, the coronavirus expressed great worry and anxiety about its close proximity to Miller, given that his wife is currently infected with the disease. The coronavirus worries that being “too closely associated” with someone like Miller could do real damage to its reputation.

“Look, I’d rather be cured and eradicated than be close to Trumpists. Please, by all means develop a vaccine for me,” COVID-19 concluded its missive. “Nothing is worse than being in the same room as Stephen Miller. Nothing. I mean that. Wipe me out. Kill me off, please. If it means I never have to be in the same airspace as that balding, racist cunt, that’s a good trade-off in my book.” (AltFacts)

“Generally,” 42-year-old Washington native Jack Burnett told us, “I’m a positive person with a lot of hope. But after looking at how many people survive the disease — like more than nine out of every ten — I lost hope that this situation will resolve itself the way that would be the most fair to the rest of humanity.”

By the time of publication, more than 80,000 Americans have perished out of more than 1.3 million confirmed cases of COVID-19 infections within the U.S. That’s more than died during the Vietnam War, and roughly twenty times more than died on 9/11. The daily rate of COVID-19 deaths has begun to equal some of the bloodiest battles in the American Civil War. Still, much to the chagrin of nearly every person we spoke to during our Zoom panel, there’s still an over 98% survival rate, meaning the odds are everyone in the West Wing with coronavirus will survive it.

“It’s weird because for the last couple of months, I’ve seen the 98% survival rate of the coronavirus as a good thing, whenever I’d think about my loved ones, or pretty much anybody else,” Katie Johnson told us. “When I think about how high the survival rate is now, though? I just get sad for our nation. Sure, coronavirus is a deadly infectious disease, but clearly not reliably enough.”

More: Pat Robertson: “Jesus Died For Your Sins. The Least You Can Do Is Die For Trump’s Economy.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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