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Monday, June 5, 2023

NBC News to Track How Many Americans Die From COVID During RNC Broadcast

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — NBC News has decided to display a real-time tracker of how many Americans die from COVID-19 complications during the Republican National Convention.

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“We think there might be some people in the president’s base that might care about this information,” NBC Deputy Jr. Spokesperson Melissa Hartwell told the media today. “We are of course not sure how many there are, but surely some might actually want to know how many of their fellow Americans are dying while they ego stroke a D-list reality-TV host.”

Thus far, the speakers at this year’s Republican convention have shied away from discussing the COVID-19 pandemic in too much detail, except when praising the president for shutting down travel into the country from China. The United States leads the world in confirmed cases and deaths, despite Mr. Trump assuring the public repeatedly that by now the warmer weather would have eradicated it, and notwithstanding promises of cures and medicines.

“We understand that in a normal election year, it would be the most important topic of conversation at the convention,” Hartwell explained, “but for some reason, we’ve noticed that the first two nights of the RNC this year haven’t really talked much about the Americans who have lost their lives to this great tragedy, and we decided to take a chance on there being at least some folks who still care about it.”

Readers might recall that NBC’s parent company decided to slap trigger warnings for the president on every episode of Saturday Night Live during his term. After the president harangued the network when he took office and started to be mocked on the show via his Twitter account. Despite the fact that every president has been made fun of by the long-running sketch comedy show, Trump took personal offense.

“When we trigger Trump, like we so clearly can by simply pointing out how obviously ill-prepared and unconventionally weird his term has gone thus far,” Miles said, “who knows if he’ll get so mad he slams his fist down on the desk and accidentally hits the big red button? I won’t be able to sleep at night if we do a Trump cold open and wake up to find he’s nuked New York.” (AltFacts)

“As a news organization, we’d be failing in our duty if we didn’t try to provide our audience with a complete, wholistic picture of any situation,” Hartwell said. “So that’s we decided to keep tabs on how many Americans died while the president got a sloppy public blowjob from Rand Paul.”

The RNC will conclude Thursday night with a ceremonial book and cross burning.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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