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Tuesday, January 31, 2023

New Alabama Mom Can’t Wait to Grow Up and Watch Her Son Grow Up

CORNPONE, ALABAMA — Susie Grandstrom is expecting her first child sometime later this year. In the interest of protecting her complete identity, we’re using an assumed name for Susie. That’s because Susie is 13 years old, though she’s quick to point out it’s “actually 13-and-a-half,” and she’s pregnant with an older man’s baby.

“And before you go raising your eyebrows at me, Cousin Skeeter said he’s gonna help me raise his son with me,” Susie told us via Skype today. “He’s a good, clean, Christian, ammo hoarding patriot. He ain’t gonna leave me here high and dry.”

Grandstrom found out she was pregnant a few weeks ago, before her state adopted an extremely strict abortion ban. Susie admits that if she had been given the choice of carrying Skeeter’s child to full term or having a discrete abortion before the developing life form inside of her had been much more than a microscopic grouping of cells, she may have been tempted. She considers herself a pro-life conservative because her parents are too, but she also is aware that Skeeter has two other children with another woman, and her cousin Kate tells her all the time how Skeeter isn’t that reliable a baby daddy.

“Still, I’d probably want to keep this kid, I think,” Susie said. “What can I say? There’s this great curiosity I feel about what he’s going to be like when he grows up. To be honest, I’m really looking forward to growing up and watching him grow up right alongside me.”

One thing she’s not too sure about, Susie says, is the chain of command and authority in her home.

“I mean, of course I’m in charge of Little Skeeter Junior, but what if my mom tells me to do my chores when I’m supposed to be breastfeedin’ this baby? That could get kind of messy,” Susie told us. “I’m sure it’ll all work out, but hopefully by the time I’m a gramma in my late 20’s or early 30’s, God willing, I’ll be living on my own, with my own house! Maybe me and Skeet will get married!”

Susie says the first couple of trimesters of pregnancy have already changed her perspective on a lot of things.

“Time is so crazy! One minute you’re in seventh grade, and the next minute you’re in seventh grade and pregnant,” Susie said. “I just hope that I have my driver’s license by the time I have to take Skeeter Jr. to kinny-garten glasses! That could be a nightmare if I have to take him to school on his bus, and then get to my school before the first bell rings.”

Though she’s not too scared of giving birth, Susie says there are some big concerns she has about being a mother.

“There’s a lot about being a mom that I just didn’t learn before I got pregnant,” Susie explained. “But Mama said that if she could figure it out with her fifth grade education, then I can do it with my sixth grade one because I’m, like, a couple of grades more higher than her, or something. So I’m sure it’ll all work out.”

This story is developing.

More: Doctors Marvel At Discovery Of Vertebrate Republican


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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