Most Americans have come to understand by now that former President Donald Trump was very desperate to retain power and not have to leave office, even after he had lost quite decisively to Joe Biden. Now, new tape has emerged that shows just how hard he was clinging to power.
“Listen to me! Just…listen to me, would ya? Hear me out,” Trump is heard shouting at the governors of Georgia, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin in the newly released call. “What if you guys leave the union, at least until they declare me the winner? Then you come back in. You can’t decide the presidency if you’re not a part of the country, can you?! Bingo-bango-bongo!”
RELATED: White Collar Criminal Wants Credit for Vaccine for Disease He Said Would Go Away In Weeks
No state has seriously attempted to leave the United States since the Treaty of Appomattox was signed, ending the Civil War. It has generally been accepted and settled law that states cannot leave the union. However, at the time of the call, former President Trump was either unaware or uncaring of that fact, and was pushing the three states in question to leave.
“I’m gonna get on the horn with Arizona after this call. Those coastal elites in that state don’t get up until later,” Trump explained, “but we won’t need them to leave if you three just pack your shit and get out for a few weeks. I’m telling you, this could work people. This could really work.”
If the three swing states weren’t okay with leaving the United States, Trump had another plan he ran by their governors.
“Okay, let’s say you’re gonna be stupid and say no to this very bigly good offer I’m making you,” Trump said, “how about you just rename your states ‘Texas.’ All of you. Then, Texas is an even larger state, and we already have been declared the winner there, so no need for you guys to even find me the number of votes I need to win!”
At the time of reporting, Joe Biden is still Donald Trump’s president, and will be until Kamala Harris takes over in 2024.
Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire for as little as $1 a month.
MORE: Republicans Worry Biden’s $1.9T Rescue Plan Will Cut Childhood Poverty Too Much
Like what you read? Consider signing up for my free newsletter. If you want my satire completely ad-free, just sign up for my Patreon at any level.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.