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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Man Who Can’t Compete in Any Athletic Setting Wants to Talk to You About Trans Athletes

NEEDLEDICK, FLORIDA — 53 year old non-union electrician Joey Mahoney can’t run very well, and he never could. Joey doesn’t throw a ball — any ball — particularly fast, hard, or accurately. In fact, when it comes to skills of an athletic nature, Mahoney admits he doesn’t have any, and really never has.

One thing Mahoney does have, however, is a very strong opinion on whether transgender girls should be allowed to compete against cisgender females on any level.


“Sure, if I were to step out onto the field against a transgender kid, in any sport whatsoever, I’d get my clock cleaned,” Joe told us in a Skype interview we did with him yesterday. “That’s not the point though. The point is that I grew up at a time when we shamed people for who they are, and I am very uncomfortable giving people the freedom to live their lives the way they see fit, despite all the American flags on my car or the number of times I say words like ‘freedom’ or ‘liberty.'”

What the issue boils down to for Joe is that he has an opinion, and he wants that opinion “validated, affirmed, and coddled.”

“I’m a white, middle-aged male, and I live in America. If that doesn’t entitle me to having my opinions treated as facts, then I don’t know what does,” Joe told us. “Is it really so hard for the world to bend itself to my liking? Is it really so difficult to not let things change because change scares me? What if I need a space that’s safe for my feelings to exist, and that place is a field of athletic competition?”

Mahoney also admitted that he does not and will not watch any women’s sports anyway.

“Well, I don’t have any daughters, so it’d be really weird for me to watch high school or college games, and I don’t care about women’s pro leagues,” Joey said. “That doesn’t mean I won’t accidentally find myself watching a girls’ game by mistake though! And it doesn’t mean that I won’t find myself thinking about trans athletes playing in the same leagues, and that makes my brain hurt thinking about things I can’t control but don’t like for some reason I can’t really articulate.”

Joey says he’s very much in support of laws like the one signed by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis that ban transgender athletes from sports unless they play against other members of their biological gender.

“Look, I won’t watch a girls’ sport no matter what. Like, NO MATTER WHAT,” Joey said emphatically. “But I still like laws that regulate those sports. I mean, I’m never getting laid, either, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a lot of opinions on abortion that I want to spew at you, does it?”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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