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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Smithsonian Publishes Notes From Constitutional Convention Debate Over Presidents Ordering Goons to Stalk Ambassadors

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to new, explosive evidence released by House Democrats just hours before a vote is scheduled to send articles of impeachment against President Donald J. Trump to the Senate, the Smithsonian Institute has published a newly discovered batch of notes from the first Constitutional convention, during which the historic figures debated what would ultimately become the foundational law of the country. Specifically, the founders were debating whether or not presidents should have the power to order goons to stalk ambassadors, and even make threats against their safety.

Democrats released evidence that was not presented during their impeachment investigations, or hearings, that seems to show Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani and another Trump associate, congressional candidate Robert Hyde, communicating with indicted operative Lev Parnas. The communications, shown as screenshots of WhatsApp messages, indicate that the president’s men ordered former Ukraine Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch surveilled covertly. Neither Giuliani, nor Hyde, were working as official members of the U.S. state department.

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During her testimony before the House Intelligence Committee, Yovanovitch stated that when she was summarily dismissed by Trump, she was told to come home immediately, for her own safety. Call summaries show that Trump told the newly elected Ukrainian president that Ambassador Yovanovitch was “going to go through some things.” Though it was unclear at the time what Trump meant on the call, this new evidence seems to suggest that he was in the loop as to what the Official Mayor of 9/11 and Hyde were up to in relation to tracking or stalking Yovanovitch.

“These debate notes show that some of the founding fathers were very much so in favor of allowing presidents leeway to order members of their personal posse to hunt down and harass anyone they chose, including ambassadors,” a statement from the Smithsonian reads, “and the Smithsonian was prompted to release these notes after news of the evidence released by the House of Representatives broke.”

The new notes were discovered as part of a regular mail delivery this morning. An envelope with no return address, but bearing the logo of Mar-a-Lago, Trump’s resort in Florida that he refers to as “the Southern White House,” was among the mail delivered to the museum today. In it, Smithsonian curators found notes, written in poor grammar and in orange crayon, on the back of order forms for MAGA hats. The notes are all dated May to September, 1787.

“Even though modern crayons had not been invented by the time, and despite the fact that in the late eighteenth century there would have been no MAGA hats to order,” the Smithsonian writes, “the White House has assured us these materials are as genuine and authentic as Trump University degrees in business success and ethics. We are publishing these notes without making any such assurances of our own. We are publishing them unredacted, in their entirety.”

In the notes, a man largely forgotten by history, Jonathan T. Baron Pussygrabber III of New York argues that presidents should have “unlimited powers” and that effectively not granting them the right to order goons to stalk anyone they want would be a “catastrophic failure to protect the most important thing a nation has.”

“What is more valuable and important than the reputation and ego of a president,” Pussygrabber III argued. “Should we not first seek to comfort and soothe the delicate fee-fees of the most powerful man in the land? Is it not right for us to protect the shallow mind that, you know, um, like, runs stuff and stuff? Don’t even try to argue with me on this one, LIBTARDS.”

The White White House issued a statement today, touting the newly released debate notes.

“We would like to draw the attention of the American people to these debate notes,” the White House writes, “because it shows very clearly that the founders weren’t cucks, and they understood the absolute need for presidents to be given latitude to do whatever the want, so long as it that isn’t helping poor people pay for food, medicine, shelter, or schooling. We are confident White House counsel and President Trump’s personal Attorney General, William Barr, will eventually find the passage in the Constitution that the great American Patriot — Jonathan T. Baron Pussygrabber III — fought so hard to secure in our most important document.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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