FLINTLOCK, NEW YORK — The National Rifle Association filed for Chapter 11 Moral Bankruptcy in federal court last week. In doing so, the NRA has publicly and officially declared it is “devoid of any morals or ethics” and is now, in the eyes of the U.S. government, an officially designated “gang of assholes.”
“To be quite honest with you all, this filing has been coming for a long time. We probably could have filed for moral bankruptcy at any time in the last 35 years,” NRA spokesperson Cache Gachette told reporters this morning as he announced the filing. “We’ve spent decades brainwashing gun owners into thinking that every barely left-of-center politician is a gun grabbing commie socialist. This means that we’ve helped create a situation in this country where we have more than one gun per citizen on the streets, and we’ve spent all that time denying our culpability for helping to make firearms so ubiquitous that there are dozens of mass shooting events in every year.”
Gachette mentioned the “NRA’s long, storied history of profits over people,” and pointed to several historical examples of such.
“After every school shooting, we’ve insisted the nation not discuss school shootings,” Gachette said, “and the same goes for pretty much every single mass shooting. Basically, each and every chance we get, we prioritize profits for our clients first, and literally everything else second.”
Mr. Gachette brought up that the NRA “isn’t just shitty to average Americans.” He argued that “some of the worst stuff” the NRA has done has been to its own members.
“We have fleeced our members for billions in membership dues and given them literally nothing in return, and have in fact been sued by the State of New York for being a fake non-profit,” Gachette said. “Stealing money from our own members to pay for your lavish lifestyle is the epitome of moral bankruptcy, and we at the NRA are just simply tired of hiding it.”
For years, the NRA blocked the CDC research into gun violence in America. They’ve also lobbied hard against new gun regulations that enjoy a large majority support among the American people. Things such as universal background checks have had the support of more than 80% of the American people in public polling, but the NRA has routinely killed legislative efforts to pass them into law.
“Let’s be completely honest here,” Gachette admitted, “we’ve actually been morally bankrupt for longer than we haven’t been. I’m not exactly sure why, now, our executives felt it was time to file the paperwork, but we simply can’t move forward until it’s clear to everyone out there just how few principles we have.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.