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Saturday, June 3, 2023

NRA Spokesman Says America Needs Armed Clergy in Every Church

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — A spokesman for The National Rifle Association told a radio host this morning that in the wake of yet another deadly mass shooting, churches should “strongly and urgently consider” arming their clergy. The advice comes as the nation reels from the news of its second mass shooting in less than a month, this time at a small church in Texas. The shooting left more than 20 people dead, and took place not quite a month after a man opened fire on a country music festival and killed more than 50 people, injuring scores more.

“The last thing this country needs to do is witness two senseless gun-related mass murders in less than a month’s time and get the feeling like they can actually do something about them,” Glen Masterson of the NRA told right-wing commentator Joe Josephson this morning.

Josephson, who sometimes contributes to this website, asked Masterson if he thinks that there could reach a tipping point in this country in terms of body count that would force Americans to discuss “low hanging fruit on the gun regulation tree.” Masterson scoffed at the suggestion.

“I’d ask you if you think there is a magic number of corpses that will make the Second Amendment say something other than SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED, Joe,” Masterson shot back.

Mr. Masterson said that the NRA believes so strongly in their “Good Guys with guns stop Bad Guys with guns” corporate mantra, that they believe even clergy should be armed in some way. Masterson said the Bible itself encourages priests and ministers to “gun up for God” and that the passages that show this advice are “somewhere in the back, near the appendix.”

“If God didn’t want church leaders strapped,” Masterson mused, “why did Jesus tell us to turn the other cheek and return fire, I ask you? If God didn’t think we should be carrying our firearms into his house, then why did he let us invent guns in the first place? Checkmate, ATHEISTS.”

Josephson asked Masterson if the NRA thinks carrying tools of violence into a Christian church comports with Christian values.

“I mean, they called Jesus the Prince of Peace, sure,” Masterson admitted, “but they didn’t call him the Unarmed Beta Cuck of Peace. If you ask me, these days Jesus would be the Prince with a Piece, not the Prince of Peace. Know what I mean? See how strong an argument that is against you doing literally anything to stem this pandemic of gun violence in this country? Of course you do, Joe. Of course you do.”

Jesus “Hubert” Christ, reached for comment, gave a simple and short statement condemning the NRA’s proposal.

“No, no and fuck no,” Christ wrote in his statement, “That’s dumb. The NRA’s dumb, and of course I’d rather everyone figure out how to keep guns away from murderers instead of giving everyone a gun and turning them into potential murderers.”

More satire to enjoy:

Obama’s Anxiety at Peak Levels Having Not Grabbed a Single Gun All Year

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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