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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Nunes, Jordan Unsure Vindman’s Purple Heart as Patriotic as Their Orange Lips

WASHINGTON, D.C. —  Congressmen Gym Jordan and Devin Nunes, Republicans, are perhaps President Donald Trump’s most ardent, forceful, and frequent defenders. In radio interviews on various conservative talk radio shows this morning, Jordan and Nunes stopped short of questioning whether Lt. Col. Alex Vindman is patriotic, however, they did question whether he was more or less patriotic than they are.

“Look, all I’m saying is this, and this is very simple. Adam Schiff may want to be in a bunker, doing his secret depositions like we did for Benghazi, but again, that was different because we’re Republicans,” Jordan said to Cal Billington on W-KKK’s morning drive time show today, “all I’m asking is whether him being a decorated soldier with a lifelong dedication to public service makes him more patriotic than me, who decorates his office with love letters from the president?”

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Nunes, speaking to Skip Skatterly on K-COW this morning, made a similar comparison.

“Yes, Lt. Col. Vindman has a Purple Heart. Yes, that means he shed blood for this country,” Nunes conceded. “But what’s more patriotic? His purple heart, or my orange lips? What about my orange hands and anus? Do they mean nothing now? Do they not make me at least as patriotic as this guy? Sure, I’ve never served anything but the interests of the president, and my own self-interests, but serve sounds like ‘servant,’ so some might say I’m just like Vindman, really.”

It’s unclear at this time, but some have wondered already if Nunes and Jordan got together on their talking points because Jordan would later make similar comments on W-TMP to conservative host Chad McGee.

“Chad, look, a Purple Heart is great. It’s a tremendous sign of one’s patriotism, because it means they literally shed blood for this great country,” Jordan said. “I have orange lips though. Very orange lips. In fact, they get orange-er and orange-er with every hearing. So you tell me — aren’t I just as patriotic, at the very least? My lips got orange protecting our dear president! So let’s not go pretending that Purple Hearts are more patriotic than orange lips.”

Nunes reiterated to W-DUM’s Susie Shoemaker that he’s “not interested in questioning Vindman’s patriotism.” He only wants to “point out there are other, more self-debasing ways to be a patriot.”

“The Democrats want us to believe that just because Donald Trump tried to use the power of his office and U.S. taxpayer dollars to extort a foreign a country into helping him dig up dirt on his political opponent that’s impeachable,” Nunes said. “Wait, hang on, I can’t finish that thought yet. Gimme a second, I gotta take this little mushroom thing out of my…mouth…be right back.”

Congressman Jordan, just before going into today’s impeachment hearing, featuring testimony from Ambassador Gordon Sondland, told reporters he was considering telling the U.S. Armed Forces they need to give Trump his own Purple Heart.

“Hey, if a Purple Heart is what proves someone is a patriot, I gotta say, it’s time we give one to our Dear President, who has been picked on by those doo-doo meany head Democrats for so long,” Jordan said. “We’re here to impeach a Republican president, but we never once got to try and impeach the black guy. If it weren’t for the Deep State plot to force Hillary Clinton to lose so that they could remove Trump for some reason I still haven’t quite figured out how to explain, we could have impeached her, but noooooooooo! We’re impeaching Trump today, aren’t we? And I think he deserves a Purple Heart for that.”

President Trump, pacing around the White House lawn, yelled at reporters that he was “bigly proud and grateful” for the support of Nunes and Jordan.

“Every dictator needs his lackeys, and mine lack the most! They lack morals, consciences, scruples, and logic,” Trump boasted. “Talk about great lackeys! They lack just about everything!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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