ALBANY, NEW YORK — The New York Attorney General’s office announced last night that it shifted its long-running civil investigation into the Trump Organization’s finances into a criminal one.
The stakes for former President Donald John Toadstooldick Trump could not possibly be higher. His family’s charity organization came under heavy scrutiny during his single, dual-impeachment term in office, and now it appears that the investigators are turning up the heat exponentially. Trump may have fled to Florida in an attempt to escape legal consequences for his organization, but it does not seem to have thrown the New York AG off his scent one scintilla.
In a truly surprising turn of events, Attorney General Letitia James made one more announcement regarding the Trump Organization investigation upon arriving to work this morning. James told reporters that after careful consideration, and consultation with several state attorneys, she had decided to “bring in a famous hired gun” to prosecute the case against Trump.
“I have retained the special services of former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who was one hell of a prosecutor back in the day,” James told reporters. “We all decided, after some real deliberation and spirited discussion, that Ms. Clinton is uniquely qualified to seek impactful, restorative justice in a case against any Trump-related entities.”
In a brief written statement, Clinton thanked AG James for the “incredible opportunity” and promised to be up to speed on all the pertinent case law by the time any trial started.
“The wanton, rank criminality with which Donald Trump and his infamous crotch fruit have brazenly behaved and done business for years may have finally caught up to them,” Clinton’s statement reads, “and it would be my duty and honor to prosecute that case. Time to hit the books. There’s quite a lot of case law I’ll need to brush up on.”
Former President Trump’s staff told us he was too busy shitting his pants to respond to a request for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.