NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Last night on Twitter, the President of the United States announced that he had moved his permanent residence from Trump Tower in Manhattan to Mar-a-Lago, his resort in South Florida. In a series of tweets, President Donald Trump complained about how New York City — a place he grew up in and that he built several businesses he’d later drive into the ground — had treated him. Mr. Trump claimed to have paid “millions” in taxes to the city, though he’s never released his tax returns as is customary for presidents to do, and that claim cannot be verified.
Mr. Trump lost his home state of New York in a shellacking to former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton in 2016’s contest. Since taking office in January 2017, the State of New York has launched multiple investigations into Trump’s charities and business dealings within the state. In fact, Mr. Trump and his family can no longer operate a charity in New York because of what the investigations uncovered.
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Trump’s announcement blames his being “treated very badly by the political leaders” of both Manhattan and the state government office.
….this decision, but in the end it will be best for all concerned. As President, I will always be there to help New York and the great people of New York. It will always have a special place in my heart!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 1, 2019
Reports from the Big Apple indicate that thousands of New Yorkers have been dancing in the streets since Trump made his announcement. Some have claimed there are more New Yorkers celebrating Trump’s departure than showed up to watch him be inaugurated, however those are mostly rough estimates. What is starting to become clear, according to early reports from the real estate sector, though, is that Trump’s departure has had a major impact on land values in the city and the state in general.
“New York City real estate was always pretty cray,” National Association of Realtors and Real Estate Agents Stacy Maxwell told us in a phone interview. “But our initial reports are showing a substantial spike in values just in the last fourteen or fifteen hours. We’re talking a rise in values on an order of magnitude like I’ve never seen before. It’s almost like we’re talking about a place that had a major rat infestation for decades and then all of a sudden every rat in the city got on Twitter and announced it was leaving.”
Maxwell paused and thought about her analogy for a moment.
“Or, like if the sewer treatment plant in a city exploded and got walking, talking diarrhea all over the place,” Maxwell further explained, “and for years the diarrhea and his stupid, vapid, worthless diarrhea children stained and stunk up the city. Then, out of nowhere the diarrhea says they’re leaving, and the city can build a new sewage treatment plant. That’s the feeling of utter relief we’re hearing from home and land owners already.”
Overnight, Maxwell says that real estate speculators began driving values up in the entire state, and even in neighboring New Jersey. The closer to Trump Tower, where the president called his permanent residence since the early 1980’s, the more the values skyrocketed when he announced he was leaving. Maxwell says she’s never seen such a huge spike in values in such a short amount of time.
“It’s almost like they were waiting for this to happen for a long time, and their wildest dreams finally came true,” Maxwell said. “We’ve heard some people say they didn’t expect their property values to go up like this until after he died. This is bigly great news for a lot of people who owned property near or around Trump Tower.
According to Maxwell, Trump leaving New York has made the state “far more attractive” to many different people.
“If you’re not someone who thinks Nazis hang out with some very fine people, you’re more attracted to New York now,” Maxwell said. “If you don’t get threatened by the existence of LGBTQ or brown-skinned people, you’re super stoked that Trump left Manhattan. There are literally only upsides to this, from the real estate market’s point of view.”
Perhaps surprisingly, Maxwell says that Trump moving to Florida has not had an impact on property values in the Sunshine state, either up or down.
“It’s Florida, know what I mean? You pretty much already know what you get when you move there,” Maxwell said. “Though, it is pretty fitting that one of the biggest dicks in the country would move to the state that looks most like a flaccid one. Not sure that impacts home prices at all, of course, but I just kinda wanted to make that joke. You know what, too? I’m glad I did.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.