NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The finishing touches are being put on the Cosby Ballroom in Manhattan’s Trump Tower. The Me-2017 New Year’s Eve Ball is scheduled to be one of the hottest tickets in town, back in 2016 at least. Now, however, the list of scheduled celebrity attendees might not attract to many attendees, but as one party planner told us this morning, “the balls are already in the air,” and come hell or high water, the festivities will begin at 9:00 pm this evening.
“You know, we planned this party a couple of years ago and we really were so stoked on the guest list we put together,” another source close to the party’s planning told us. “I mean, a party where you could rub elbows with some of the biggest names in the entertainment and political world? Sounds like a blast. But…then…well, we’re not really sure what exactly happened, but it seems like no one wants to come.”
The party is sponsored by Fox News thanks to an endowment left in Roger Ailes’ will. The late Fox exec made sure to leave enough money to the party planners to lock up all the first rate talent and A-Listers they could find. The party’s hosts, actor Kevin Spacey and comedian Louis CK will be telling jokes and introducing musical acts and DJs throughout the night.
“And Louis has a spanking new set he’s going to do for the very first time tonight,” our source tells us. “But for some reason, even that’s not leading us to very good ticket sales for this. I’m a little stunned.”
Politicians are also scheduled to make appearances.
“Judge Roy Moore’s gonna be here, but he said he has to get home before his date’s curfew,” our source tells us. “And Anthony Weiner will be doing a spot live via Skype. You just never know what you’re gonna see when he’s involved. Just kidding, you’ll probably see his penis. You usually see his penis. But, hey, look at it this way, if you have no one to kiss at midnight, this is where you want to be. You literally will have so many people trying to kiss, and they may not even take no for an answer, even after you say it 50 times and threaten a lawsuit.”
Tickets for the Me-2017 New Year’s Eve Ball will be available for $69 a head at the door.
You can read satire like this every day on The Pastiche Post and The Political Garbage Chute.
More satire:
