SECRET SHARIA DUNGEON, THE LITERAL HELL — During their weekly ritualistic sacrifice of a pale-skinned virgin, former President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) gave his former Vice President Joe Biden some vital information he would tell friends and associates later he “absolutely relied on” during his eight year reign of tan suited, French mustarded tyranny.
“Now, Joe, I want you take extra-good care of these codes,” Obama told Biden as he hit the button to transmit data to his former VP. “Joe? Joe, are you getting all this?”
Biden was looking straight ahead into the camera, as he was told to do. Obama couldn’t tell, though, if Biden was listening, if there were connection issues, or if there was some other thing going on. He was just about to summon the satanic IT department when Biden finally responded.
“You betcha, Jack! I’m right on top of it, Chief! Don’t you worry, Bub,” Biden told his former boss, “I’m on it like white on ice, Pal!”
Obama wasn’t quite sure he just heard what it seemed like he’d heard.
“Joe, I think you meant rice, didn’t you Joe,” Obama asked Biden. “You meant to say, ‘like white on rice,’ right?”
This time, Biden answered much more quickly.
“Absolutely, Sonny Boy,” Biden said.
Obama took a deep breath. He closed his eyes and summoned all the strength he could from the Dark Lord of Evil Beelzebub. When he felt the fires of sin burning in his blood once more, he continued.
“Great, so glad to be working with you again, Joe,” Obama said. “Now, look, I’m sending over two files. One has the codes you’ll need to open up the front gates at the FEMA camps. The second file is the combination for the lock we put on the door of the warehouse where he put all the guns we took away from Americans without due process. You remember all those guns we personally took, right Joe?”
This time, Obama didn’t wait for his old running mate to answer.
“Of course you remember, Joe. You remember everything, every single solitary detail. Even if it didn’t happen quite like you remember it,” Obama said. “Anywho – you’re gonna want those codes, Joe. They’re probably more important than the nuclear launch codes, which you’re gonna want to change back to something more secure from what your predecessor will have set it to. ABC123 should probably not be used again, but hopefully no president will ever be that illterate and stupid again.”
Both men shared a laugh.
“You’re right Joe, the next Republican president will be immensely dumber,” Obama conceded. “From Reagan to Bush to the current dicksicle, the reversal of intellect among Republican presidents is striking and self-evident. But still, we have to do our parts. Hang on, I gotta take a call from the Choom Gang and send a quick email to Lord Soros about removing In God We Trust from our coins, hang on.”
Obama put Biden on hold. After a few minutes, he came back on the line. Obama then wanted to confirm that Biden had received the codes.
“Did you get the codes, Joe?”
“Yeah, the codes, Joe,” Obama reiterated. “The ones I sent you, just five minutes ago. The FEMA camp codes, the gun storage warehouse combination. C’mon, you remember Joe.”
There was a small moment of silent tension in the air. Biden broke it quickly enough, though for a split second Obama was truly worried he’d have to start the conversation over again. It would be like when he had to explain why trains don’t literally say “choo choo.”
“I got ’em, Sport! I’ll take good care of them, Boss Man,” Biden assured Obama. “You can count on me, Slim! No worries here, Tex! Roger that!”
Before saying goodbye to his friend, President Obama gave Biden a warning.
“Joe, you can’t be afraid to start locking these people up in the FEMA camps as soon as you can,” Obama said. “They’re gonna be onto you almost right away. You were my VP for almost a decade. You can’t do Jade Helm II yet, that much I know, because they’re gonna be fired-up and keyed into whatever you do for a little while, Joe. They haven’t been talking about these things for four years, but that doesn’t mean they won’t start caring about them all of a sudden again if you win. Take care of yourself, and May the Dark Force of Communism Be With You!”
Obama signed off.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.