UNDISCLOSED SHARIA BUNKER, SOMEWHERE IN KENYA — Former President Barack Obama worked with President-elect Joe Biden for eight years. This morning, Obama sent a quick email to Biden, reminding him of some of the “ins and outs” of life at the White House, including what day the trash is picked up.
“Make sure you have the cans out on the curb Monday night, Joe,” Obama’s email reads, “because the trash is picked up every Tuesday. Although, I think you’re going to need to schedule a lot of special pickups with the city, because something tells me there will be a lot more trash to get out of the White House than is usually the case when a new president is sworn in. I imagine you’ll spend much of your first hundred days in office taking that trash out and fumigating the living out of the White House.”
Obama also reminded Biden of the combination on the lock put on the shed in the White House’s backyard. That shed is where Obama decided to store the guns he confiscated from law abiding Americans during his eight years in office. In his note, Obama reminded Biden that he’ll “need to get going quickly” on restarting his gun grabbing program.
“You’re gonna need the combination for the shed in the backyard, Joe,” Obama wrote, “and don’t forget, you’re gonna need to get going quickly on restarting that gun grabbing operation. That tubby orange fuck spent four years not taking away a single, solitary gun. He only banned bump stocks. What a gun grabbin’ rookie, Joe!”
In addition to reminders about White House trash day and the gun shed in the backyard, Obama also made sure to let Joe know about some other “particulars” about living in the White House.
“The upstairs toilet handle sticks, and you’re gonna have to jiggle it sometimes, Joe,” Obama suggested. “Although, now that I think of it, Trump’s been sitting and tweeting on that thing for four years, so you may just want to have the whole thing replaced. I can only imagine what four years of Big Mac and KFC shits did to the plumbing up there.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.