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Tuesday, October 3, 2023

Obama Issues Sharia Decree Demanding Media Give Him Credit For FBI Confiscating 4,000 Guns

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — From within the mosque built into his Chicago compound, former President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) has issued a Sharia Decree that all mainstream media outlets give him credit for the 4,000 guns the FBI has obtained court orders to confiscate after failed background checks.

“Since I can no longer issue my Executive Orders, I hereby order by Sharia Law, which I snuck into the Constitution with white out and a pen while everyone was distracted by Benghazi, that all media outlets in the United States give me credit for confiscating more then 4,000 guns from citizens,” Obama’s decree reads. “This brings my career gun grabbing total to roughly sixteen trillion guns, though since the new guns were taken from people who failed background checks, perhaps they should get an asterisk, since the rest were forcefully taken from Americans before we threw them into FEMA Forced Gay Marriage camps.”

An exclusive report from USA Today indicated that last year the FBI, during Obama’s last official year as leader of America, and before his assuming of the role of Shadow Muslim Emperor, issued more than 4,000 requests to take back guns from people who failed the federal background check.

It’s the largest number of such retrieval requests in 10 years, according to FBI records– an especially striking statistic after revelations that a breakdown in the background check system allowed a troubled Air Force veteran to buy a rifle later used to kill 26 worshipers at a Texas church last month.  (USA Today)

“I am of course ecstatic to see these guns be taken away,” Obama’s order reads, “but I am also deeply saddened by the fact that failing a background check and still obtaining your gun means you’re not a lawful gun owner. Everyone knows taking guns away from lawful patriots was the only reason I wanted to be president. Well, that and taking In God We Trust off the coins and putting Allahu Akbar in there instead, of course.”

RELATED: Trump Calls Hillary And Asks If She’d Like To Be President After All

Mr. Obama gave the media twenty-four hours to comply.

“Or you will meet swift justice from the Soros Five,” Obama wrote. “It’s the secret group of the five most libtarded libtards to ever libtard, who all serve Supreme Leader Soros in his quest to take America down from within. I know you will do the right thing. I only wish we could’ve had these guns in our hands before we lost the Jade Helm squadron in the Battle of Bowling Green.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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