WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, NBC News reported that White House Senior Policy Adviser, and Transylvania’s most eligible but least desirable bachelor, Stephen Miller, has convinced President Trump to propose limiting legal immigration by making those who come to the country ineligible for citizenship if they have used programs like Obamacare. In an exceedingly rare development, former President Barack Obama issued a statement of rebuke directly to Miller, and even included a “challenge for charity” in his message.
“Setting aside the fact that this policy makes no sense and punishes hard working people who are here just trying to make a life for themselves and their posterity, I find it particularly hilarious that a guy whose family came over on boats is going to lecture other people about how they get here,” Obama told reporters as he was going into a Denny’s for breakfast with his wife.
Obama said “you can just tell” that Miller is “overcompensating” for “feeling completely small and inadequate” next to people of color. Former President Obama indicated that he thinks Miller “displays a real inferiority complex” and that he is “probably a little tiny bitch if you push him” even though Miller “may act gangster” in public.
“I bet that punk ass beta cuck male Stephen Miller can’t even hold his breath for ten minutes straight like I can, and most people of color can,” Obama said, seemingly suppressing a smile and a laugh. “And I challenge that weedy little dick muscle to do it. For charity.”
Obama went on.
“I’ll donate ten thousand American dollars, or ten million Kenyan Sharia Commie dollars if you prefer, to any charity Miller picks, if he can hold his breath in his tiny little lungs for ten whole minutes,” Obama said. “I don’t think he can do it. In fact, I bet he chickens out like the little bitch he is and doesn’t even try.”
Then, Obama looked right into the camera lens in front of him.
“So, I’m officially issuing Stephen the Hold Your Breath for Charity Challenge,” Obama said. “And we all know that conservatives give more to charity, or so they claim. I can’t wait to see if Stephen can prove me wrong. Ball’s in your court, Herr Miller.”
At the time of publication, Mr. Miller was cowering in a corner like the balding sack of shit he is.